Sarah vs The Stretch
by lipeviez
Summary: Sarah needs Ellie to help with some muscle soreness. Angsty conflict ensues. AU, eventual Sarah/Ellie. Rated M to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

***Author note: I'm not too interested in messing with canon so think of this as a brief interlude and shared secret between Sarah and Ellie. Consider it complete unless I decide to update later. Set some time between season/episode 2.1 and 2.2.***

A/N 2: This story started as a one-shot but has since expanded which does deviate from canon. I'm leaving the first note above because those were my initial thoughts when I first had this idea but I also wanted to give a warning to those who don't like AU stories. Sarah/Ellie pairing.

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Sarah knocked on Chuck's and Ellie's apartment door. A mission a few hours before had required more physical agility than she'd expected and she was feeling some cramping in her hamstring area of the left leg that wasn't going away. Chuck was at the Buy More and she knew Ellie would be home so she figured having Ellie take a look before heading to the Orange Orange might save her the hassle of going through CIA-approved medical support.

Ellie opened the door. "Hi Sarah! Chuck's not here, he's at work."

"I know," she replied. "I'm actually here to see you. Can I come in?"

Ellie waved her in. "Yes, of course, it's good to see you, I was… whoa! You're limping, are you okay?"

"Yeah, well, no. I have this cramp that isn't going away and I'm worried I may have pulled something."

"What were you doing?"

"I went for a run this morning and who knows, maybe I didn't stretch enough beforehand. Or I'm just really sore," she said as she collapsed on the couch. "I was kinda hoping you could take a look? But I understand if you're too busy…"

"No, of course I can. Just a second," Ellie walked over to the kitchen. "I'm roasting a couple of small chickens for the week. They're done now, I just need to take them out to rest."

Sarah listened rather than watched as Ellie fussed a bit with the roasting pan and aluminum foil. She envied Ellie's culinary prowess. If she'd had more time she'd love to be able to cook more. More than a few times she'd asked Chuck to schedule dinner at his place rather than go out for cover purposes because she just loved their home-cooked meals, the relaxed atmosphere with friends, Chuck's company. She smiled to herself when she thought about the last dinner when she had placed a hand on his thigh while at the table. He nearly jumped out of his skin. She shouldn't have done it given how she'd already screwed up by kissing him when she thought they were going to die but it had just seemed a natural thing to do with him, like she was his real girlfriend.

"Okay, it was the left leg, right?" Ellie asked matter-of-factly as she moved the coffee table to make more room for the examination. She was dressed in a tank top and pajama pants, making a day of hanging out at home. Sarah again envied Ellie.

"Yep. I just want to make sure it's not anything worse than soreness, I can't miss work."

"Of course. It's a good thing you're in a tank and some comfy shorts, can you lie on the floor in front of the couch on your stomach? I'll be bending your leg and touching your thigh."

Ellie knelt on the floor and Sarah did as she was told. The pain didn't seem to get worse by bending or straightening the leg. Ellie pressed her fingers into the back of her thigh. Sarah grimaced a bit but she made no sound.

"Is that where it hurts?"

"Yes," Sarah said through gritted teeth.

"I feel some tightness but no divots or bulging, which is good news. I don't think it's a hamstring strain. Just soreness or cramping. Nothing some good stretching, rest, and Motrin can't fix. Let me help you up so you can lie back along the length of the couch, yes that's it. I'll help you stretch a bit, like a physical trainer. It doesn't happen often but even Devon needs me to help him with stretches sometimes."

She crinkled her forehead as she thought about the best way to do this leg stretch. With Devon she had no qualms about putting her body against his but she didn't want to be presumptuous with Sarah.

"Okay, so I'm going to put my knee between your legs and I'm going to hold your leg up and press it back towards your chest."

Sarah laughed. "Sure, no problem." She spread her legs a bit to let Ellie get her knee on the couch then tenderly lifted and rested her left leg on Ellie's right shoulder. "Let's just hope the guys don't come in or this could get really awkward." Sarah's eyes narrowed on a suddenly tensed up Ellie. Her joke had been meant lightly and she was curious about the nervousness she now detected in Ellie.

Ellie smiled and bit her lower lip, imagining Chuck's face at seeing his sister rubbing his girlfriend's very smooth thigh. "Yes, I can only imagine what they would think." She'd tried to push it out of her head but Sarah voicing the scenario only put other, more graphic, images in her head. Sarah was a beautiful woman; her eyes and smile betrayed a worldly knowledge Ellie didn't think her brother fully grasped. She was also impressed with Sarah's obvious physical power – it'd been something she missed before but now she couldn't stop thinking how strong these legs were. Her right hand absentmindedly rubbed Sarah's leg from her ankle down to her knee and she cleared her throat when she saw Sarah's eyes opened wide at the movement.

"Uh, sorry, I'm used to doing this for Devon," Ellie said quickly.

Sarah didn't say anything. She tried to look relaxed but her senses had never been more on alert.

At first Ellie tried to just use her hands to push against Sarah's calf and the back of her knee but she was having trouble concentrating and maintaining a constant pressure.

"Ellie, it's okay. Just use your body. I know what you're trying to do and it'll be easier if you just do it the way you do with Devon, okay?" _Wait, did I really just say that?_ she thought to herself. Sarah wasn't naïve, she could tell Ellie's touch on her leg had been more than a friendly rub. A warning bell in her head was going off but the tingle she felt told her to ignore it.

"Right, okay," Ellie softly answered. Placing Sarah's leg against her chest, she leaned forward and placed her right hand on the couch's armrest next to Sarah's head. She could feel the back of Sarah's thigh against her stomach and she cleared her throat as she put her left hand on Sarah's leg, hugging it against her.

The physical contact with Ellie was making Sarah feel warm. Her face was very close to hers and as Ellie pressed down further, Sarah couldn't help the small moan that escaped. She glanced down the front of Ellie's tank top, and quickly looked away but there was no ignoring the heat pooling between her legs. Feeling Ellie's breasts against her leg, inhaling her scent, it was becoming too much. Her normal defenses had been worn down lately by Chuck's adorableness and the stress she'd been feeling at having to suppress her feelings for him was at a breaking point. Perhaps she needed to prove to herself that Chuck didn't really mean anything to her. That's how she explained it to herself later when analyzing what she did next: she brought up her right knee so that it was against Ellie's hip.

Ellie's eyes quickly sought Sarah's but Sarah had her head turned with eyes closed. Ellie was reminded of the times with Devon where these stretches turned into romps on the couch. Feeling a leg against her side would usually be a sign to escalate contact but this was not Devon. It had been years since she'd been with a woman. Sarah's quick, short breaths, the tiny beads of sweat on her forehead and her chest, and that small moan earlier were telltale signs of arousal. Knowing Sarah was aroused stirred something in Ellie. Against her better judgment, Ellie gently slid her left knee under Sarah's right thigh, placing more of her middle against Sarah's. Sarah responded by putting her hands on Ellie's arms and squeezed lightly.

"Sarah, is this okay?" Ellie asked.

"Yes," Sarah answered breathily.

Ellie was nervous, aroused, guilty. She knew Devon and Chuck would never forgive her if they found out but the sudden desire she felt urged her on. It was spontaneous and exciting, and not like her at all. Her mind screamed at her to get off Sarah but instead she pressed in a bit more against Sarah's leg, moving her left hand down to Sarah's right thigh. She wanted to give Sarah a chance to back out, though.

Sarah knew Ellie's movements against her had crossed over into a more heated connection. She knew she didn't have any sort of romantic feelings for Ellie and she seriously doubted Ellie felt anything for her. Whatever was happening right now was pure lust. She could only pray that Casey wasn't monitoring live and that she could get to the surveillance tapes to erase the incriminating footage before he saw it.

"I'm just going to… um… increase pressure, release, and repeat… is that okay?" It was hard to get the words out but Ellie looked straight into Sarah's eyes with this question, her right hand gripping the armrest tightly as she waited for Sarah's answer. The stretch had gone on long enough and they both knew it. Sarah knew exactly what Ellie meant; she was giving Sarah one more out. Sarah thought of Chuck and knew she should stop. She would be cheating on her cover relationship and inducing Ellie to cheat on her very real relationship. _But just this once_ , she promised herself.

"Sounds good to me, Ellie," she whispered and rubbed her right leg against Ellie more meaningfully.

Ellie adjusted so that both of Sarah's legs wrapped around her waist. With her right hand back on the armrest and her left gripping Sarah's right thigh, she thrusted forward. Ellie watched as Sarah's eyes fluttered closed, biting on her lower lip. She focused on Sarah's breathing, changing pressure to see how it affected Sarah. With her left hand she traced circles down Sarah's neck and chest, lightly caressing her breasts, still slowly pumping against her.

Sarah's grip tightened on Ellie. She arched herself up slightly so that their chests were closer together, brushing her lips lightly across Ellie's. Ellie put her forehead against Sarah's and they moved against each other, finding a rhythm. Their shallow breaths, gasps, and light moans were the only sounds in the room. Sarah brought her hands to Ellie's face and pulled her into a deep kiss. It was both gentle and urgent and Ellie melted against her, moving kisses down Sarah's neck as Sarah removed Ellie's hairband which had held her hair up in a ponytail, her hair falling forward over their faces. Sarah could feel her release approaching and was torn between racing toward it or breaking away. This was dangerous.

"Ellie," she started, "this is… mmm…"

"Crazy?" offered Ellie into Sarah's ear before biting on her earlobe, their breathing growing more ragged. "Have you ever done this before?"

Sarah shook her head lightly and managed a weak, "Not really." She was rubbing her hands along Ellie's back and licking along her jawline before throwing her head back just as Ellie pinched her right nipple. She'd had to seduce a couple of women on assignments before and while one had been pleasurable, it was still part of a mission and not born out of her own wants and desires. This was something entirely different. Doing this actually endangered her assignment. It was everything she was not supposed to do.

Ellie felt adrenaline and desire surge through her body. Sarah was coming undone beneath her and it was incredibly intoxicating. Everything she did seemed to drive Sarah wild, especially all the attention she was giving her neck and Ellie was happy to oblige with more kissing, licking, and sucking. Sarah loudly moaned and tightened her legs around Ellie.

"Sarah, are you going to come?" Ellie whispered into Sarah's neck.

Ellie's brazen question almost sent Sarah right over the edge. Instead she bit down on Ellie's shoulder, pushing the tank top strap out of the way. The absurdity of dry-humping her cover-boyfriend's sister was not lost on her. The attraction she felt for Chuck was drowned out by Ellie's whimpers at her bites. Sarah thought of Chuck's smile when she slipped one hand under Ellie's waistband and gripped her ass. She thought of Chuck's lips as Ellie returned her bite with a bite of her own on her neck and massaged the pain with her tongue; his hands when she cupped Ellie's breast with her other hand. She tried not to think about what the company's psych people would say if they knew how these conflicting thoughts were only going to heighten the orgasm about to hit her. She brought both hands to Ellie's ass, pulling her in tighter while thrusting her pelvis against her, then slipped one hand inside Ellie's pajama pants seeking out her center.

Then they heard a key being inserted into the door's lock. Somehow they both knew the looks on their faces would've been too hard to explain if they broke apart completely and so they wordlessly adjusted back to the initial stretch position. The door opened and in walked Devon.

"Ladies! How's it going? I see Ellie is working her magic. Sarah, bit off more than you could chew, eh?" Devon nonchalantly strode around, removing his bag, and going into the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.

"Um, yeah!" Sarah called out. "I felt something while running this morning. Ellie was very kind to help." She then stared hard at Ellie who had suddenly put her right hand over her heated center, rubbing, massaging, intending to finish what they started, even with Devon in the kitchen. Keeping a straight face took all of her skills as an agent. Getting caught was not an option. Thankfully she had been on the cusp anyway and within 5 seconds she was biting her right hand to keep from crying out.

Ellie was stunned. She couldn't believe she continued even after Devon walked in. She tried to contain the panic that was rising up within her but the look Sarah gave calmed her. It was a mixture of tenderness, friendship, and a touch of regret.

"I think that's enough now, Ellie, I've got to get going."

"Sure, no problem," Ellie said a bit stiffly, as she stood up and moved to get the coffee table back into position. They were both a bit out of breath but Devon didn't seem to notice. Sarah laughed like nothing had happened and grabbed her purse. Ellie marveled at how easily Sarah had shifted to lies and fake smiles.

"Ellie, the chicken smells amazing," Devon said as he walked over to pull Ellie into a hug. Sarah watched as Ellie closed her eyes and leaned into it. Sarah felt no jealousy, only guilt. She went too far with Ellie. Her plan now was to get to Castle and erase the surveillance tapes. Then she would try to forget all about today.

"Guys, I've gotta run. See you later!" she said cheerfully as she walked toward the door. She was still limping but the _stretch_ had helped a lot.

"Sarah, wait. I've got some last minute doctor instructions," Ellie said as she followed her out, closing the door. They were alone in the courtyard and Sarah was desperate to escape.

"Ellie, about… what happened…" Sarah waved towards the apartment.

"I know. It was a mistake."

"Right!" Sarah said hurriedly. "I'm so glad you understand. I don't know what happened but I really like Chuck and I… well, this can't happen again." _Protect the cover, Sarah_ , she told herself.

"God, it was insane and I can't... I mean, I love Devon! I hope you don't think I'm the kind of person who does that all the time. It was totally… I just…" Ellie trailed off, covering her face with her hands and taking some deep breaths, which didn't help since her hands smelled like Sarah. She quickly brought them down and laughed. She was relieved that Sarah mentioned her feelings for Chuck. An affair with her brother's girlfriend would have serious consequences for all involved.

"Sarah," Ellie reached to hold Sarah's hand. "Thanks for looking out for Chuck. He wouldn't understand… this… so I'd appreciate it if it stayed between us?"

"Of course, Ellie," responded Sarah warmly. "I would never hurt him with this. Or hurt you and Devon." Sarah's eyes moved to Ellie's lips. She tried not to think about them suckling her neck only minutes before.

"Thank you," said Ellie, squeezing Sarah's hand slightly. Her body was buzzing with electricity and touching Sarah wasn't helping but she needed to make sure they could stay friends and nothing more.

"Okay."

Sarah pulled her hand away from Ellie and turned to walk away. She could hear Ellie go back into the apartment. She smiled to herself thinking that if Ellie was feeling half of what her body was feeling then Devon was going to have a great night tonight.

Back at Castle, Sarah was at the controls, carefully editing the surveillance footage, adjusting time stamps, etc. It all looked pretty seamless. She had even made sure any backups Casey had at his apartment were properly dealt with. Casey wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Sarah felt her pocket for the thumb drive that held the only copy of her indiscretion. She had left Ellie's apartment relieved but still so damned aroused. Some wine and some solo viewing were on the menu for tonight. She called Chuck to cancel their cover date. _Just one time and then I'll erase it_ , she promised herself.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I hadn't intended to continue this story but an idea sprouted so here I am. If you squint really hard this could still fit within the events of the show which, as a huge Charah fan, I adore. But future chapters deviate more and more away from this.

Angsty drama in this chapter. I don't really like things that tie up neatly and people are complicated beings who make complicated choices. Just trying to explore that a bit. Set just before the start of season 3.

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Sarah was given some downtime from an ongoing undercover assignment and she didn't quite know what to do. She'd already taken a shower to get the mark's grubby smell off of her. Beckman said the mission would be over soon and she was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. She put on some sweats and a sleep shirt and decided to sleep rather than flip channels but then she heard a knock on the door.

Ellie told herself the only reason she was going to Sarah's place was to warn her Chuck would eventually find out she was back in town and that he may try to see her. She also admitted she wanted to find out what had happened between them. He had said he blew it but that didn't really say much. She told Devon where she was going; he didn't approve of her interfering but he couldn't talk her out of it. As she knocked on Sarah's door she felt an unwelcome flutter in her stomach. _I just haven't seen her in a while_ , _it's nothing_.

Annoyed and on guard, Sarah quickly approached the door and looked in the peephole. She stepped back as if she'd been punched. Ellie Bartowski was outside her door, the last person she expected to see. She wasn't prepared for this. Feelings she'd been trying to deal with washed over her: anger, hurt, longing, and betrayal. _Get it together, Walker_. _He's not your assignment anymore. Protect the cover and get rid of her._

Sarah opened the door. "How did you…" she trailed off. Looking at Ellie's earnest face just pissed her off. That and curiosity made her forget about the 'it's late, I'm busy, go away' brush-off so she just bit her lip, stepped aside, and motioned for Ellie to come in.

"Jeff and Lester..." she answered, knowing that explained everything. "I'm sorry to visit so late but I needed to see you. It's only a matter of time before Chuck finds out you're in town."

"So?" replied Sarah, bitterly.

"Well, he might try to see you. I don't know the details of what happened between you guys but it hit him hard…"

Sarah didn't want to hear this and just turned away, walking to the window on the other side of her bed.

"Ellie, stop. I don't want to talk about him," she sighed. "I know you mean well but I've been trying to put this behind me. I'm moving on. He should, too."

"But he isn't," Ellie said, with an edge of frustration.

"I don't care," Sarah whipped around, losing patience.

"Yes, you do, I can hear it in your voice."

"He rejected me, okay?!" she shouted. Exasperated, she took a breath, raised her hands to her eyes, walked over to the foot of her bed and sat down, her face buried in her hands. In a quieter voice she added, "We made plans, I thought we were going to take the next step, and when the day came he told me no. He said no, Ellie… I'm done."

Ellie stared at Sarah's back. The pain in Sarah's voice contrasted with her memories of how Sarah and Chuck had looked at each other at her beach wedding. There was so much love and promise. She put her purse down, walked over to the foot of the bed, and sat down next to Sarah, tears springing to her eyes.

Sarah didn't know why Ellie continued to stay. The silence was awkward. But she didn't know how to fill it nor did she want to. There were no words. No words to explain all that she felt, all that she had been willing to give up for him, only for him to leave her. She felt a hand on her back. It surprised her but it was comforting. They stayed like that for a while. Sarah brought her hands down to look up at Ellie and saw the tears. It tugged at her heart but it also hardened her. She'd let Bartowski eyes soften her up before and look where it had gotten her.

Ellie could see Sarah had tensed. She took her hand away from Sarah's back and wiped her eyes. _What the hell am I doing here?_ _This was a bad idea_. But as if Sarah could read her mind she felt a hand gently then more firmly grip her thigh, telling her to stay.

She looked questioningly at Sarah, recognizing her anger and also something else, something dangerous and familiar. Her heart raced as memories of a certain couch incident came flooding back. _This is not what I came for_. She grabbed Sarah's hand to remove it from her leg and was surprised by Sarah's lips suddenly on her own. Soft, insisting. When she pulled away, Ellie was unsure. Her skin burned with want but she promised herself she wouldn't do this again.

"Sarah, we can't." She'd tried to sound firm but the quake in her voice betrayed her.

Sarah's eyes glanced at Ellie's lips, her shoulders barely covered by a thin sweater and tank top strap. She was tired of rules and always doing what was best for others. She was tired of people telling her no.

"I think about it sometimes… do you?" Sarah said, gently pushing Ellie's sweater off her shoulders, eyes looking straight into Ellie's. Sarah didn't know why she was trying to seduce Ellie when her heart was still in pieces. She felt reckless, fury, desire to hurt him, and Ellie was right here, looking so beautiful and reminding her so much of him.

"I think about how it felt when your lips were on my neck, how much I wanted you," Sarah continued softly as she brought both hands to rest on Ellie's shoulders, dragging them down her arms, pulling the sweater off.

"Please…" Ellie begged weakly. She didn't know why Sarah was doing this. She didn't know why she was letting her. She should've gone straight for the door. But Sarah's touch felt so good. Lips grazed her right shoulder and she trembled.

"I think about how you kept touching me even after he came home..." Sarah smirked into Ellie's shoulder when she heard Ellie's gasp. "Making me come while he was in the kitchen… why… why would you do that?" When Sarah trailed kisses up her neck, she could feel Ellie give in. She licked an earlobe and Ellie turned to look at her, eyes burning bright.

"I… I had to know…" confessed Ellie in a ragged breath, closing her eyes. She couldn't say more, ashamed at how quickly she'd given in, how Sarah could bring her to such need.

"I know… you wanted to know what I looked like coming underneath you. And you've played it back in your head more times than you can count." Sarah pushed Ellie back onto the bed, straddled her, and removed her sleep shirt. Ellie nodded and put her hands on Sarah's waist. "But now it's my turn to see you."

Ellie sat up suddenly and Sarah expected to be pushed off. She was pleasantly surprised when Ellie removed her tank top, communicating her desire and consent.

"Yes," Ellie said, holding her close to her, putting their foreheads together. "I've thought about this, too." She brought her lips to Sarah's and tentatively explored with her tongue. The heat between them exploded and grabbing Sarah's leg with one hand and her lower back with the other, Ellie flipped them, Sarah's legs loosely hugging her around her waist. Ellie then began kissing Sarah in earnest, eager hands trying to pull off pants without breaking contact. But first, Ellie needed to say something.

"I'm not him," whispered Ellie into Sarah's mouth, breathing hard, barely restraining herself.

Sarah stilled, feeling a pang. Ellie was a perceptive woman, a doctor who likely had some psychology training back in med school; of course she would sense Sarah's desire to lash out.

"I know that," she replied, nipping at Ellie's chin, trying to recapture her lips, but Ellie stayed just out of reach.

"Do you?"

Sarah looked at Ellie. What could she say? Part of her did want to punish Chuck by using Ellie. Punish them both for showing her what a normal life could be like. She also wanted to forget him, and Ellie seemed better than a hook-up with some stranger from a bar. And then there was something closer to the truth – she wanted to remember what it's like to have someone really great care about her for a little while. But she couldn't say these things. Ellie reached out a hand to Sarah's face, brushing back some hair. The gesture brought a lump to her throat and she felt she owed it to Ellie to give her an out.

"This doesn't really make sense, does it? Do you… do you want to stop?"

Ellie saw vulnerability and hunger in Sarah's eyes. This was going to happen, she'd made up her mind. "No more talking," answered Ellie, her lips staking a claim to Sarah's neck.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you for the reviews. And with this, I should say that this is most definitely not canon. But my favorite stories are the ones with what-if scenarios that could still fit into what we see on screen. They create a fun subtext, heightening a moment between Ellie and Sarah, for example. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

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Later with the lights off, their naked bodies lying next to each other lost in thought, Sarah lay on her side facing towards the window, Ellie behind her. She had a hand on Sarah's hip but there was no real intent behind it. Their time together had been heated and carnal, like tangling with intoxicating fire. The look in Sarah's eyes as she brought Ellie to orgasm with her mouth would be seared in her mind forever. But Ellie could tell Sarah's emotions had warred with themselves; there had been tears in her eyes when she came the first time, and though she tried to hide it by biting her lip, Ellie could've sworn Sarah almost cried out Chuck's name. Then seconds later she flipped them over, making Ellie writhe in pleasure from the harsh sucking on her breasts, leaving marks that would be hard to hide, and torturing her by delaying her orgasm until she was begging for it. It had gone on like that back and forth between them for some time until they were completely drained. Ellie removed her hand from Sarah's hip. She was more certain than ever that Sarah still loved her brother. Sarah would consider tonight a fling and this hurt Ellie deeply because she herself wasn't broken or in crisis; she had no excuse for tonight other than her own physical desire for Sarah.

Sarah felt cold when Ellie took her hand away. A tiny part of her felt concern over the guilt Ellie was surely feeling right now. She'd been selfish tonight. Once committed to the act, Ellie had taken the lead and held nothing back, accepting Sarah's conflict and her punishment; had been all there with her in the moment while her own thoughts strayed. Her feelings for Chuck had surfaced and she nearly said his damn name in front of his sister who had her fingers buried deep inside her at the time. She cursed herself for her near slip and cursed him for not being the first Bartowski in her bed. And now, thanks to her own screwed up actions, she seduced a very married Ellie. The guilt washed over her and Sarah never felt lower. Then she felt arms go around her and her defenses melted. Silent tears fell as Ellie held her tight, telling her things would work out, that she accepted her love for Chuck, that even if they never got back together Sarah was worthy of love. Sarah turned around and surrendered to Ellie's kisses, this time accompanied by a litany of tender whispers from Ellie which Sarah soaked up into her heart and this time the only name she heard escaping her lips was Ellie's.

They fell asleep with Ellie's arm wrapped over her. It was still night when Ellie woke up. She felt a soft body under her arm and remembered what had happened. Silently damning herself, she got up and began dressing, hoping to make it out of there without waking Sarah.

Sarah knew Ellie was awake the moment she felt the warmth leave her back. But she stayed still, torn over whether to let Ellie leave without a word like she obviously intended. When she heard Ellie grab her purse she spoke.

"Ellie," she said, sat up and grabbed the sheet to wrap around herself. She reached over to the nightstand and switched on a light.

"Sarah, you don't have to say anything," Ellie said quickly. "It's late and I should go." She turned to leave.

"No, wait." Sarah got up, still clutching the sheet, and walked over to Ellie. "Are you going to be okay?" She glanced at the bed and back at Ellie.

Ellie sighed. "I don't know. I didn't really plan for this to happen."

Sarah could only drop her head, taking the blame onto herself.

"I'll be fine. Sarah, look at me. I made choices tonight, too. Okay?"

After a pause, Sarah managed a small nod.

"Listen, I know you don't want to hear this but you're probably going to have to face my brother eventually. And, in the chance things work out…" Sarah began to protest but Ellie interrupted. "C'mon, Sarah… I know what you nearly said earlier."

Sarah felt a blush at Ellie's teasing but stayed silent, especially when she noticed the intensity of Ellie's gaze.

"So, in the chance things work out between you, don't tell him. No matter how much you want to, when you're so deep in love with your happily-ever-after and your heart is aching to do it, promise me you won't."

"Ellie, that's not going to happen," Sarah replied, barely hiding the bitterness.

"I mean it, Sarah. Please," she said, walking over to her and tossing her purse on the bed. She put her hands on either side of Sarah's face and whispered, "Please… you owe me this… promise me."

Sarah softened. She brought her right hand up to Ellie's left wrist, leaning into Ellie's touch.

"Okay, I promise. I promise to never tell him. Or anyone else."

"Thank you," Ellie said with a relieved sigh.

Sarah leaned forward to kiss her. Ellie's taste and her assertiveness took Sarah's breath away, the sheet slipped to the floor as she brought her hands to Ellie's shoulders and around her back. When they had pulled apart it was with extreme reluctance. Ellie glanced at the bed and Sarah's eyes silently asked her to stay but she shook her head and bent down to grab her purse.

Fighting the urge to speak, Sarah slowly rewrapped the sheet around her, watching as Ellie's eyes watched her. Ellie looked like she wanted to say something, too, but instead she went to the door and walked out.

The loneliness returned and Sarah walked over and locked the door, looking back at her empty bed. The sex had been great. _God, had it been great_. Ellie was surprisingly knowledgeable and confident, basically a mind-blowing lover and Sarah's curiosity was piqued about her experiences before Devon. _Argh, I can't ask her about that! It's done_. Tonight was one more secret she had to keep and she was tired of secrets, tired of this life. Complicated and conflicting desires swirled within her. _I need to get out of California. Away from them both._

Ellie drove home, quietly walked into her apartment and slipped into the shower. The marks on her body were noted, some not as bad as she feared, but she would still need a few days of dodging Devon before she felt comfortable. As she rinsed off the last of the soap, she thought of Sarah. She had wanted it. There was no other way around it. Their first encounter had been spontaneous and something she had regretted immediately afterwards but cheating twice with Sarah had proven her willpower was shit and she didn't know if she could resist her again in the future. The attraction she felt was both unwelcome and at the moment overwhelming. She wanted Chuck to be happy and knew the answer to that was Sarah but she also wanted to never see her again, to never again be tempted by her. Sighing, Ellie dried off and got ready for bed, slowly getting in so she wouldn't wake her husband.

* * *

"Shit," Sarah said under her breath. She replayed Ellie's question to her: _Is my husband safe with you?_ By itself understandable given the circumstances, but the look Ellie gave her before driving off with Chuck…

Devon looked at her. "What?" he asked. He looked at Casey, who only grunted in a shrug. He looked back at Sarah but she had gotten back in the car, seemingly deep in thought.

"Shit," she whispered again. So much was happening, their lives were in danger, but now there was a moment to breathe and take in the things that had been revealed to Ellie. She was worried about what Ellie would say to Chuck. Would she tell him about her? _No, of course she won't_. It didn't make sense for Ellie to do that. _Unless she means to keep Chuck safe by keeping him away from me_. That thought wasn't comforting. Adding to that was the knowledge that Ellie would eventually come to her to have their own private conversation. The lies Chuck told her to keep her safe were one thing. But now Ellie knows Sarah had been a lie as well. They hadn't talked at all about that night since it happened. After she got put back on Chuck's team she'd been scared to death to see her again but Ellie smiled and treated her like nothing had happened and eventually she got distracted by other things like Chuck and Shaw.

Before long she saw them driving back, and when they got out of the car Sarah was relieved Chuck didn't give any signs that he thought of her differently. She gave him a strong hug and he pulled back to look at her.

"What is it?" he asked, looking concerned in that cute way she loved.

"Nothing," she replied. "Things okay with you and Ellie?"

"Yeah. We'll talk about it later, okay? We have to make sure she and Devon are safe first."

Ellie avoided looking at her completely. Sarah doubted any of the others noticed but she did. She knew.

* * *

After taking down Shaw, Sarah had been on pins and needles expecting Ellie to approach her but she heard nothing. Then Chuck told her about Ellie's pregnancy and it seemed like things were back to normal, well, as normal as things could be. But then one day Ellie texted her a hotel address and the time to meet, no other message.

When she told him, Chuck readily accepted that she and Ellie were going to hang out after Ellie's shift at the hospital, maybe get dinner. It wasn't exactly a lie but of course it wasn't the whole truth and Sarah hated herself at how easily she made him believe it. _Oh, I'm just going to talk to your sister about that time I slept with her_ , she thought sarcastically. She grabbed her purse, patted her jeans pockets to make sure she had what she needed.

"How long do you think you'll be?" Chuck asked as he settled on the couch waiting for Morgan to come over for a much-needed game night.

Sarah grabbed her keys. "I don't know. We just haven't had a chance to talk and stuff, touch base. I'm sure she has questions about… me… does that make sense?"

"Yeah, Ellie is the very definition of big sister. Sorry about that."

She walked over to him and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "Don't worry about it. It's why I like her. Have fun and I'll see you later."

The hotel wasn't too far away, close to the beach in Santa Monica. Sarah got there 30 minutes early at 6:30 to have a drink at the bar and calm her nerves. But as 7pm approached there was still no sign of Ellie. Worried, she texted her asking if she was close. Seconds later the reply came. _Room 310._

 _Well that explains the hotel_ , Sarah thought. She finished off her glass of wine and headed for the elevators.

Ellie had been distracted at the hospital the whole day. She kept imagining conversations with Sarah in her head, trying to plan out what she wanted to say. Knowing she was going to the hotel straight from the hospital, she was glad she booked the room and packed clean clothes in her bag which allowed her to shower when she got there. She got dressed and was still towel drying her hair when she got Sarah's text. For a brief moment she wondered if it would be better to go down to the bar but the fear of being overheard prompted her to text the room number. A few minutes later she heard the knock at the door and quickly walked to open it. Sarah gave a small nervous smile and walked in. Ellie put out the do not disturb door hanger and shut the door.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews. This is more of a transition chapter, words that characters needed to say. More angsty drama. ***

* * *

"Morgan, let's say you found out that before she started dating you, Alex had hooked up with a friend of yours. But they didn't tell you and you found out from someone else after you got together. Would that bother you?"

Morgan was desperately trying to keep Peach from flying off the track on the Banshee Boardwalk course. It was retro game night and breaking out the old Nintendo 64 for Mario Kart was like grilled cheese and Thanksgiving dinner rolled up into one. Chuck's question threw off his concentration and down went the princess.

"Chuck, come on!" he cried out. Tossing the controller on the table, he looked at his best friend. "All right, what's this about? Are you thinking about the Bryce stuff again?"

Chuck didn't want to tell Morgan about what he'd discovered about Sarah and Ellie but he needed to talk it out with someone. Making it about Bryce gave his worries a good cover.

"A bit. I mean, I only found out about Bryce because of Carina. If Carina hadn't said anything, would Sarah ever have a reason to tell me? Should it matter? It's not like I expect her to tell me about all her exes. Or all the marks she's had to work. The past should stay in the past, right?"

"Sure. But you'd think she would've said something eventually, though, right? I mean, he was your nemesis for years."

"Yeahhhh, I guess she would…"

"Chuck, what's going on? What happened?"

"Nothing! I was just thinking about lies and secrets and wondering if honesty is always the best policy. There are things Sarah's done, as part of her job, that I won't ever know because classified and… I'm just trying to come to terms with that." Chuck tried to avoid Morgan's stare.

"Did you flash on something about her?"

"What? No! It's weird that hasn't happened a whole lot, right?" he chuckled. "Maybe deep down I don't want to know every dirty secret."

"Chuck, Sarah is a highly trained C.I.A. officer. She's killed people, been undercover deploying seduction techniques on who knows who…"

"Not helping, buddy."

"Okay, fine. Look, you're with one of the hottest women in the world and she loves you. Just accept happiness, dude, and stop worrying."

"Yeah. You're right. Of course you're right." Chuck tried to ease his friend's concern with his best smile. "Listen, I'll be right back. I just need to check on something. Want me to get you another beer?"

Morgan responded with a thumb's up and grabbed the controller. Chuck headed to the spare bedroom, to the hiding place in the closet he wasn't supposed to know about. The thumb drive wasn't there. He'd first found it not long after Sarah had officially moved in and curiosity got the better of him. The time stamp on the video told him it happened before they started dating. _But Ellie didn't know that_ , his jealousy reminded him. He hadn't even been able to watch the whole thing, fast-forwarding through most of it until the courtyard and he heard them agree it was a mistake and not to tell anyone. They both looked ashamed and full of regret, like it would never happen again. He sighed, wondering what Sarah and Ellie were talking about.

* * *

Sarah noted Ellie's damp hair and the lingering steam from the bathroom. The room was large, simple but luxurious. She couldn't quite suppress her nervousness about the choice to get a hotel room. She would've been able to suggest other, less alluring locations for a private conversation if Ellie had asked or given her more lead time.

Neither one of them knew how to start. Sarah stood stiffly in the middle of the room, clutching her oversized purse like a battle shield. She'd been able to talk with Ellie before, laughing at dinner with everyone together and a friendship seemed assured. But that had been before when it was clear where they stood. All bets were off now. There was a table and chair but standing felt like the right choice for now. She waited.

"What did you tell Chuck?"

Good, establish the story, get on the same page. Sarah could do this. "Just that you wanted to hang out after work. Maybe get dinner. I said you likely had questions about me…" Sarah tried for a smile but Ellie didn't reciprocate.

"Makes sense. I said something similar to Devon. I wasn't sure if you would come. But of course, you knew I'd need to talk to you." Ellie was on edge and realized she was still gripping the bath towel she'd used to dry her hair. She went to the bathroom to hang it up and when she returned she saw Sarah glance around the room and head for the minibar.

"I had a glass of wine at the bar and I think maybe you need something, too," explained Sarah, but then she stopped and stared at Ellie's abdomen. "Oh… I'm sorry, I forgot."

Absentmindedly putting her hands on her belly, Ellie answered, "Yeah, I'm still getting used to everything that comes with this…" Ellie trailed off as the sting of the last couple of years came to the fore. In a more hardened voice she added, "I'm still getting used to you."

Sarah nodded in understanding. She walked over to the table and dropped her purse on it, sat down in the chair, and faced Ellie openly. She was ready to answer any questions. Ellie walked over to the bed and sat down.

"I was worried you were going to tell him," Sarah said.

Ellie looked at her harshly. "I was going to. In the car. But we started talking about my dad and the stakes were so high… it wasn't the right time. I don't know. Why didn't you tell him?"

"You made me promise."

Ellie gave her an incredulous look that said 'not good enough.'

Sarah cleared her throat and admitted, "Since we got together there were times when I wanted to. You were right, I did feel the urge to come clean. It would be different if it were someone he only peripherally knew but you're his sister. It would come between you and I didn't want... well, it's not like he and I were really dating at the time so it made sense not to."

"It's so easy for you to lie, isn't it? All this time and I'm the last one to know. The last. I thought we were friends, I thought I knew you."

"I know," she replied after a few moments of silence. "We were trying to keep you safe."

"How can I trust you? This whole time you've been lying to me about who you really were, socializing with us as part of a job, and hiding the danger my family was in by being associated with you." Ellie braced herself before continuing, "That time on the couch, I thought you were Chuck's girlfriend but it turns out that was a cover. And then when we… it seemed like you were heartbroken over Chuck but was any of _that_ true? Were you trying to compromise me? I mean, was any of it… any of us… real?"

Sarah's eyes widened. She'd expected anger at the lies, at the ways the C.I.A. had interfered in her life. Even the rehashing of what happened between them was expected but she was still surprised at how personal the hurt and doubt in Ellie sounded. Sarah could see Ellie was unraveling and a person this unnerved couldn't be counted on to keep secrets. She took a deep breath and said gently, "Ellie… what happened... that was never planned and you know that."

Ellie ignored her. "You have no idea how guilty I've felt. I know we were able to put it behind us, it was hard but I had to. For Devon. For Chuck. But inside… the guilt. I cheated, even after I was married and that's something I have to live with. I'd even found a way to make peace with betraying Chuck because I was looking out for him, looking out for you both, but the truth about you has brought it all back again." Ellie stood up and started pacing. "There are things you just don't do like fool around with your brother's girlfriend. I did that, Sarah… with you! And now knowing you were free the whole time, it makes it worse. You didn't cheat at all, there was nothing like that to hold you back, and I betrayed everyone. I believed you were his girlfriend and I didn't care… it didn't stop me!" She stopped and sat back down on the bed, wiping the tears that had fallen and trying to calm herself.

"Ellie, I want you to know how sorry I am, for all of it," said Sarah, getting up and taking tentative steps toward Ellie but wary of getting too close. It was clear now this wasn't really about the lies; Ellie needed some kind of closure about them. She had to make this better for her, to put the responsibility on herself. "I think you know the secret was necessary. Orders. As for the rest… I knew better. Risked my assignment by not stopping what happened in your apartment, and I started what happened in my room that night for my own selfish reasons, knowing you were married. It shouldn't have happened."

It was cold, like one of the sterile reports she had to write recapping her missions, but she was trying to put a lid on the feelings she felt envelop her. Seeing Ellie so very close to falling apart only made her want to hug her, to help hold her together. She motioned to sit next to Ellie but Ellie waved her off.

"Your apology was very efficient," Ellie said angrily. "Straightforward, no nonsense. But I'll repeat what I said, how can I trust you? You'll say anything to make this better for yourself. To prevent me from ruining things with Chuck."

Stung, Sarah looked at Ellie in exasperation and then went to the minibar. She grabbed a small bottle of vodka and one of the glasses next to the empty ice bucket. Emptying the bottle in the glass, she quickly downed it and put the glass on the tray. The slight burn in her throat was comforting. She didn't know any words that could convince Ellie she was being sincere. Perhaps it was time to let go of the idea of maintaining a real friendship. The thought brought a lump to her throat, a loss she felt in the pit of her stomach. But there was one more thing to go over with Ellie, something she was sure Ellie would ask about when she calmed down enough.

Gathering her courage, she asked, "Did Chuck tell you about the surveillance?"


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you to everyone still following this short story. I've had a lot of fun writing these interactions between Sarah and Ellie. I always wished they had more scenes together in the show.

* * *

"Yes!" Ellie yelled, standing up and losing her composure again. "Sarah, please tell me that what happened didn't get…" But the look on Sarah's face said that it had indeed been recorded. She felt sick.

"Ellie, don't worry, I took care of it. No one saw us."

"Are you sure?" Ellie asked weakly. She sat back down on the bed and tried to breathe through the nausea. The thought of anyone seeing them on the couch… Ellie groaned.

"Yes, I'm sure. I took care of all copies. And Casey wasn't even in his apartment watching live..."

"What?!" Ellie stood up again. "Chuck didn't say that Casey would monitor the live feed."

Sarah walked over to Ellie from where she was at the minibar and put both hands on her shoulders. "It's okay. Please believe me, he wasn't watching and I took care of the rest."

"What about that night, Sarah? Of us in your bed…"

"There were no cameras there," she cut in, hands quickly moving to Ellie's cheeks. The touch brought memories of other touches and Sarah awkwardly pulled her hands back.

Sarah debated this next thing, putting her right hand in her jeans pocket, feeling for the thumb drive. The thumb drive that she swore she would get rid of but never did. It was crazy, especially now that she and Chuck were on solid ground, but the temptation to have Ellie know of its existence was too strong. She would be putting herself in Ellie's hands by giving it to her. Maybe she couldn't win back Ellie's trust but it was time to show she trusted Ellie.

"Ellie… I have something," she said slowly, bringing out the thumb drive to show her. "It's… the footage of us."

Ellie was stunned. That had been nearly two years ago. _Sarah kept a copy?_

"Were you going to use that to blackmail me?" It was the first thing out of her mouth, and Ellie winced at her own accusatory tone.

Sarah nearly cried, upset that Ellie would think so little of her. "Ellie, no… I kept it for me." The color grew on her cheeks when she saw Ellie connect the dots in her mind.

"I brought a laptop in my bag…" Sarah gestured towards her purse on the table, heart racing. _Oh god, do I really want to watch her watch it?_ She thought she brought it to prove the drive's contents but the flutter in her stomach made her doubt this motive.

Ellie knew she most certainly should not watch it, least of all with Sarah in the room, but she felt compelled by a heat growing inside her. _She kept it, for herself_ _… she wants me to see it._ Sitting at the table, she reached into Sarah's purse, took out the laptop and started it up. Sarah handed over the drive and stood behind her.

Plugging it in and starting up the file sent a nervous thrill through Ellie. It'd been a while since she pictured those short minutes together. And now she was going to see them again, with Sarah. As the video started, Ellie saw the angle was from up high, and she watched herself in the kitchen before going to answer the door to let Sarah in. There was no sound but before she could do anything, she felt Sarah lean over from behind her to use her finger on the touchpad to unmute it, and the brush of Sarah's hair on her shoulder gave her goosebumps.

Sarah watched with Ellie until the moment the Ellie on screen started the stretch on the couch. The scent of Ellie's washed hair, the happenings on the screen, the sudden impulse to touch her, it was too much. She walked over to the bed and sat down watching Ellie watch the screen. Her face looked so serious but there was eagerness, too, and she noticed Ellie's breathing had quickened. Sarah's heart was pounding, the rush of blood in her ears nearly deafening. It wasn't just embarrassment that was affecting her, though. She remembered Ellie pressing her into the couch, her soft lips on her neck. She remembered how Ellie tasted that night at her place, how good she felt. Sarah felt a warmth between her legs and she crossed them, looking away from Ellie.

Minutes passed and Sarah heard from the laptop speakers the moment when Devon walked in. Ellie's face fell, quickly turning red, and Sarah knew she was watching herself bring Sarah to orgasm. Sarah thought of the times she had pleasured herself watching Ellie make that wild, impulsive decision. It had been a while, not since before they slept together. After that night, she couldn't bring herself to watch again but she also couldn't get rid of it, not even after she moved in with Chuck. She'd had to find a hiding place but she hadn't once gone back to it until this evening. Ellie looked up at her and what passed between them could only be described as electric. She removed the thumb drive and raised it back toward Sarah.

"You can keep it, if you want. It's the only copy," Sarah said in a low voice.

Ellie walked over to Sarah, handing it to her. "Once is enough," she said. She appreciated what Sarah was willing to entrust but even the smallest chance of Devon finding it was too much. She felt hot and slightly dizzy. Looking around, she saw her water bottle sticking out of her bag next to the closet and went to it, drinking quickly, then slowly went back to the table.

Sarah looked down at the thumb drive, turning it over in her hands. She reached down, pulled up her pants leg, removed a knife from her boot, and knelt down on the floor. Setting the drive on the carpet, she swiftly stabbed it with the knife.

"You could've just deleted the file," chuckled Ellie, trying to ignore what the image of Sarah using a hidden weapon did to her heartbeat.

"Yeah, well, this makes me feel better." She stabbed it a couple of more times before picking up the pieces and pocketing them. She would burn them later. She sat down on the bed and waited for anything else Ellie wanted to talk about.

Ellie put the laptop back in Sarah's bag and sat down next to her. "I can't believe you kept that. And you knew Casey could've been watching, yet you still…" Familiar feelings churned inside of her. "How many times have you watched it?"

Feeling a blush, Sarah looked away. She couldn't answer.

They sat silently next to each other, each lost in thought. Ellie felt her anger dissipate into acceptance and curiosity. She recognized the hypocrisy of staying mad at Sarah for the lies especially since she herself was a liar and would continue to lie.

"Sarah, what you said earlier, you're wrong to take the whole blame. Remember what I said? I made choices, too. You saw that video, I'm the one who started it… and we both had plenty of chances to stop. Our reasons… well…" she paused. Getting to the 'why' of it for Sarah made Ellie uneasy. She wanted to know and yet she didn't.

"So, when that happened… you really weren't together?" A tentative opening but a safe one since Ellie already knew the answer.

"We weren't," answered Sarah cautiously, staring at the floor. "You surprised me. I mean, I'd never thought of you in that way before and then suddenly there it was and… I surprised me, too." Sarah swallowed nervously. _Too close, put some distance_. "I was also struggling with my growing feelings for Chuck. I wasn't ready to admit what they were yet. I've never really been good at facing things."

She saw that Ellie didn't seem surprised that the first time was also related to Chuck. She tried to control her breathing, school her features, and ignore what the proximity to Ellie on a bed was doing to her.

"And that night… what was that?"

Sarah sighed. "What I told you then was true. He didn't choose me and I was crushed."

"So I was just a warm body? A rebound?" Ellie asked softly, more to herself than to Sarah. She looked out the window; the pink-orange sunset was darkening. _It meant nothing to her. But you already knew that, Ellie_.

"I won't lie… it started out that way…" Sarah sighed again. She could see her words had hurt Ellie. A clean break required that she twist the knife right now but she didn't want Ellie to hate her. This whole time she had rarely thought of Ellie's feelings. She hadn't wanted to because it would mean having to examine her own. But the Ellie that had gotten aroused just by touching her leg on a couch, the Ellie who had been generous with her body and her understanding in a night of unforgettable passion… _that_ Ellie deserved to know the Sarah who had responded to all of those things with more than just physical lust.

"Look, we both know I was lashing out but you should know that I did feel something that was more than just… there was a connection that night… those things you said to me… if things were different…" Sarah looked up at the ceiling, struggling with the words. "You were… you _are_ amazing, Ellie."

When Ellie turned to look at her, Sarah couldn't look away; her eyes tried to focus on Ellie's eyes but they kept dropping down to stare at very soft lips. She remembered how skilled those lips could be. The air felt heavy, and the sounds of their breathing filled the room. Sarah felt aroused, torn, exposed. She'd spoken aloud the attraction that she'd buried due to various circumstances, not least of which were the men in their lives. And speaking it brought her ever closer to acting on it.


	6. Chapter 6

Ellie slowly leaned in and pressed her forehead against Sarah's. She felt a strange satisfaction in this moment. A part of her wanted Sarah to be where she herself had been, where she was right now, desiring someone while loving and being committed to someone else. It was that part of her that booked this hotel room as their meeting place, even though she'd convinced herself it was just for privacy reasons. She allowed for its possibility however remote. _She's attracted to me_. Ellie brushed a thumb against Sarah's lips.

"Are you feeling that connection right now, Sarah?" Ellie asked, breathily.

"Ellie…" begged Sarah in a whisper. Sarah's hands gripped the bedspread. There was no excuse this time, no emotional turmoil to blame. Only heat and want. She couldn't hold out much longer and the fingers softly caressing her cheeks and neck were so enticing.

"I know…" Ellie breathed _._ Ellie's mind screamed at her to stop as her hands continued down Sarah's arms, lips staying just out of reach despite their noses now lightly brushing against each other. _Oh god, she feels so good._

"Sarah…" she whispered into her mouth. "This is crazy… and wrong… and I can't help it. I can't help how much I want…"

Sarah brought her fingers to Ellie's lips, partly to stop her words and keep her mouth away, but also to touch the thing she wanted on her body. Her mind's protests became weaker and her fingers traced Ellie's lips and down her neck, lingering on her collarbone. _She's so beautiful_. Memories of tangled limbs and their moans as they came together called to her. She ached for more and brought her fingers back to Ellie's lips; the pull to Ellie was too strong. She gently grazed Ellie's bottom lip with her forefinger, moved her hands away, and looked at Ellie for permission. Ellie's eyes darkened slightly. Sarah's heart skipped a beat as she waited.

Ellie thought her mind would scream more protests but there was nothing. Sarah's touch had silenced them. She whispered a soft 'yes' and Sarah closed the distance between them.

The kiss began slowly, slightly close-mouthed. Sarah could feel Ellie's trembling and she brought a hand to Ellie's neck to calm her. Ellie responded by deepening the kiss, tongue at first tentative and then demanding. Resistance fell away as Sarah wrapped her arms around Ellie, unleashing all of her desire. The kiss became frantic, two people trying to meld into each other with a passion so intense Sarah felt like she might pass out. It was Sarah's turn to tremble at the strength of her desire, bigger than it was when they first slept together, when it was mixed with anger and pain. But there was none of that now to mask the depth of her need.

She moved to Ellie's neck, remembering exactly where to bite and suck to elicit gasps and moans. The fingernails scraping down her back made her pull back in a surprising moan, and Ellie took advantage of her exposed neck, diving straight to her pulse point. It took her breath away and she fell back against the bed, pulling Ellie with her. Ellie positioned herself between Sarah's legs and proceeded to kiss her with such rawness and pure emotion that Sarah nearly came right then but she wanted to taste Ellie and have her fall over the edge first. Sarah rolled them over and began trailing kisses down her neck and to her chest, her hands making their way to Ellie's belt buckle, Ellie's hands tangled in her hair. Pressing kisses against Ellie's stomach, she made quick work of the belt, pants button, and zipper, and began pulling Ellie's pants down.

"Sarah… wait… wait, we can't," Ellie said suddenly, pushing Sarah back and rising up off the bed. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry." She put her hands to her face. _Shit, how could I let it get that far?_

Sarah was at first confused at Ellie's turnaround but reality quickly set in at what nearly happened. "No, I'm sorry. Shit… shit…" She started pacing around the room; she needed to think. Her skin was on fire but the guilt was rising. _I would've… if she hadn't stopped, I would've._ It didn't matter that they didn't have sex. They were going to. She betrayed Chuck. Sarah wanted to bolt.

Ellie walked to the corner near the balcony window, fastened her pants and belt, and took some deep breaths, trying to contain her freak out while Sarah went back to pacing like a wild animal. She knew giving into passion tonight would have only made things worse. After their night together, it had taken Ellie months to reach a level of normalcy she could live with; she just couldn't go through that again, that kind of guilt. And she couldn't put Sarah through that either. Sarah had surrendered to the heat of the moment but she would hate herself the next day. Maybe even come to hate her.

"You'll keep him safe?" Ellie asked.

At those words, Sarah stopped her pacing. Ellie's eyes were still wild with want but there was also a resolve, a look that said she was trying to get them out of this. Bringing Chuck into it became a lifeline and Sarah grabbed onto it.

"With my life," she answered, eyes filling with tears. "Ellie, obviously I…" Sarah gestured to the bed then wiped her eyes. "But… I'm with Chuck now, I love him." The words seemed hollow considering what just happened but that didn't make them any less true. She did want to see what they could be together. After everything she's done and gone through with him, she owed that to herself.

Ellie tried to get her mind and body in agreement. She knew the attraction she felt was so strong that if Sarah was free or with anyone other than Chuck, she'd throw caution to the wind because she wanted her, she wanted her with a hunger that was unbearable. It was taking every shred of willpower she had left to keep from throwing herself into finishing what they started. And she now knew part of Sarah wanted her, too, but it's not enough, not while the other part loves her brother. This had to stop, to give him and Sarah an honest chance, to give this child and Devon her full commitment.

"It won't happen again."

"How do you know? It wasn't supposed to tonight and we both wanted it anyway. We made this happen, Ellie. You with this room and me with that damned thumb drive. If you hadn't stopped…" Sarah tried to calm her panic.

"I know because I can imagine the alternative. Secret trysts, cover stories, and guilt so strong you can't breathe. I know you don't want to be that person. I don't want to be that person either. Plus, we stopped; we have the perfect cover, a hotel room paid with cash, and we stopped. I won't let it happen again, Sarah. And I won't tell him."

Sarah nodded, thinking. Ellie seemed sincere and Sarah finally felt like they could move past this for real. She looked at Ellie with gratitude. She'd been on the hook, her whole life with Chuck on the line, and Ellie was letting her go. It wasn't her that had been able to stop, it was Ellie. Thinking of an argument she'd been having with herself for months, she said, "He'd forgive us, I think. If we told him."

Ellie had thought of this, too. She knew her brother would never hate her. Not forever. But it would be different between them. The trust would never be the same. And Devon was a good person. He loved her; she could be happy with him again if she let herself get over Sarah.

"Maybe," she answered. "Devon might. But he'd want us to move away. He'd never be okay with my hanging out with the person I'd had an affair with." At this she gave Sarah an apologetic look. But she had to name it, what this was. An affair. Drawing that line would help keep them apart. She went to the bathroom to grab a washcloth. She ran it under the faucet then began wiping Sarah's lip gloss off her mouth and neck.

She came out of the bathroom. "And Chuck, he'd probably get over the first time because you two weren't really together. But if he knew that I slept with you while he was so broken over you, the very thing that should've stopped me, he'll start to wonder why…" Ellie stopped abruptly, a brief shock of fear passing through her over what Chuck might realize about her feelings.

"Well, I just don't think we'd ever fully recover," Ellie continued carefully. "Please, I couldn't face him."

Sarah thought for a minute. She was tired of lying but she saw that this was the only way to preserve Ellie's relationship with Chuck. Ellie needed Chuck now more than ever. They just lost their father; Chuck was on the hunt for their mother. Then there was the self-preservation factor: what would he think of Sarah if he knew about tonight? "Okay," Sarah agreed.

Ellie went to Sarah and squeezed one of her hands, lingering a little longer than necessary. The unsaid things in her heart rose up in her throat but she swallowed them back down. Then she let go.

"Friends?"

"Friends," Sarah replied. It had the tone of a solemn vow, code for never speaking of it again. It was done. Sarah knew this was a good thing but she felt an emptiness she couldn't explain.

"I need a minute. Just need some air."

Sarah watched Ellie go to the balcony, open the sliding door, and step outside. She could smell the ocean air from inside the room, and she watched Ellie stare out at the skyline, more still than she'd ever seen her. Several minutes passed before Ellie came back in and Sarah wondered what was going through her mind. When she did reenter the room Ellie looked calm and collected, like the Ellie of old. It made Sarah wonder who the better liar was after all. The emptiness inside Sarah grew larger.

"Well, I guess we should be getting back," Ellie said. "What should we say we ended up doing?"

"Just say we had drinks somewhere in Santa Monica. Well, I had drinks, you had water." Again mostly true, sans hotel room. Ellie smiled at her joke. Sarah grabbed her purse and walked over to the bathroom to fix and reapply her lip gloss. When she came out, Ellie artfully avoided eye contact. Nothing awkward but Sarah noticed. She saw how carefully Ellie was trying to keep it together.

"Okay. You go on ahead, I need to finish packing this stuff up."

"Are you sure? Chuck was expecting a longer night out, I think." Sarah really didn't want to but she did want to prove that she and Ellie could do this; they could have a real friendship.

"Just tell him I was feeling tired and needed the rest." Ellie didn't have that much to do, some stuff she'd left in the bathroom, her hospital scrubs on the floor near the bed. She just needed Sarah to leave. She would be like her sister now and it would take time but eventually she'd stop thinking of her as an ex-lover. _I can do this, just like before. This time for real… Oh god, they're going to get married someday_. She stamped that thought out immediately. Her heart would deal with that situation when it became a reality.

"I had that vodka, let me chip in on that and the room," she said, reaching into her bag.

"No, please. I've got it. Thank you. I'll see you later."

"Okay," Sarah said, still unsure. Ellie looked at her, urging her to leave. "Okay, I guess I'll see you later," she said and walked out of the room. Out in the hall, she felt an overwhelming sadness; she stopped and put a hand on the closed door, listening. _Is Ellie crying?_ An anvil of a thought hit her. The things Ellie said and didn't say, they painted a picture so clear it nearly knocked her over. _She loves me_. Facing the door, she nearly knocked on it, angry at its coldness, its finality. _How could I be so clueless? So careless?_ But she had to pull away – what more could she say or do? They'd made their choice and she had to let Ellie move on, not keep torturing her with feelings that would never be more as long as she remained committed to Chuck. It's what Sarah wanted and Ellie let her go so she could do it. New tears fell as she hurried to the elevator. _I'm sorry, Ellie. I'm so sorry._

 _::::_

When Sarah got back to the apartment, Chuck and Morgan were in the middle of some game, she couldn't remember which one. It didn't matter. They were busy so it was just a quick wave and then she went to take a shower and get ready for an early night. She'd already made the stop to torch the electronic evidence including the laptop, not wanting to bring any of it back into the apartment.

Later, Sarah was wrapped in a towel in their bedroom when Chuck walked in.

"Hey, I wasn't expecting you until later," he said, kissing her lightly. "How'd it go?"

"Great, we talked. I think we're okay," she answered. _I broke your sister's heart tonight_. She turned away so he couldn't see the tears that started to form again.

"What did she want to talk about?"

Sarah found she couldn't look at him so she focused on changing into her sleepwear, throwing on one of his old t-shirts while she answered. "Oh, just what I thought. Me. She was still kind of hurt about being the last to know. She also wanted to make sure I would keep you safe." When she looked back he had a look of complete love and adoration on his face and she smiled, his love making her feel better. She went to the dresser to grab some underwear.

"Sarah?"

"Hmm?" She looked up and his facial expression startled her. It was dark and something else she couldn't place. But it only lasted a split-second. Did she really see anything? Now it was just innocence and love again.

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Chuck," she replied, moving toward him to give him a hug. She felt scared suddenly and needed to touch him, to know he was hers. She breathed him in.

"Hey, you wanna get rid of Morgan?" she asked with a meaningful look. She tried not to think about tonight's encounter with Ellie, how close she came to sleeping with her, how her newfound knowledge of Ellie's love was making her feel. Before tonight she had clarity, she knew where things stood. But instead of closure, her feelings were now in turmoil. She needed Chuck to help her drown it all out, to bring back the clarity.

He looked down at her and smiled. "Oh, he's gone." He rushed out and heard her light laugh behind him.

Morgan gave him a high-five and made a quick exit. Chuck cleaned up the leftover pizza and beer bottles scattered over the coffee table, thinking about Sarah. His experiences over the last couple of years had given him some perspective on lies and secrets. People make mistakes and he'd seen enough to know that Ellie was still his Ellie; she fully supported him and had done nothing to undermine his relationship after it began for real. And Sarah had proven she was completely in it with him. After everything they'd gone through, he'd seen the steps she's taken to open herself up to him. Now was not the time to ask Sarah about the video but in the back of his mind he made a note to check the hiding place later.

He turned off the lights in the living room and locked the door. Sarah was waiting for him and he was eager to see if she had changed into something more enticing than one of his old t-shirts. He didn't care either way as he hurried back to the bedroom. He didn't care about anything else. All he wanted was Sarah. When he got there, she was under the covers already naked. After shedding his clothes he joined her. Their coupling was hurried, almost desperate.

"Chuck, please…" Sarah gasped as he tried to slow down by paying more attention to her neck and breasts. "Please, I need you now." _She loves me_. She let out a low groan, trying to rid herself of these thoughts, and grabbed onto Chuck's hair, pulling him up into a searing kiss.

Chuck could see that Sarah's thoughts were clouded, and when he entered her and heard the moan he loved hearing her make, he tried not to wonder if she had ever moaned like this for Ellie.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks again for the reviews. Ordinarily I would've ended this right here in all its open-ended angst-ridden glory, leaving us all to wonder if Chuck would ever confront Sarah, and if Ellie would ever own up to Devon, while also dealing with everything we know that happens in seasons 4 and 5. But I got a bit invested in this Sarah/Ellie pairing while writing this last chapter and I wanted to see some of it through, probably several more chapters.**

 **So if you're not into this pairing, stop now. You've been warned.**


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Sorry for the wait. Work and stuff. So yup, I'm employing some time-honored television gimmicks here by using a time jump as well as a character death to move this along (no flames, please – it's fiction). I did this for several reasons, including wanting to let the events of the show play out unaltered and wanting to let Sarah and Chuck have some time without tragedy. It might make what happens predictable but sometimes the fun is in knowing the end and seeing how we get there.

Thanks again for the reviews. They've been a great motivator to me in finishing this up. Updates should be more frequent now that I've written it all out for the most part. Hope you enjoy. ***

* * *

Sarah rang the doorbell, trying to control her nerves. The door opened and she plastered on a smile.

"Sarah, Lisa, just in time. Come in, come in," Ellie said, welcoming them inside. "Clara's in the backyard, setting up the tea party."

Lisa quickly raced through the house and outside to play with Clara. Ellie laughed as they made their way to the kitchen where they could easily see the girls through the back windows. Getting together on Saturday afternoons had been a regular ritual over the last year but their recent schedules meant it had been a month since they last saw each other.

"Clara has been looking forward to this tea party for weeks, ever since you guys bought her that real porcelain tea set and those extra ramp pieces for that backyard contraption. What's it called again? Rube Goldberg? I had to promise real tea and cakes. I compromised with chamomile so no need to worry about caffeine this late in the day. Did you want tea, too?"

"Actually, can I have a glass of wine?" Sarah sat on a stool at the breakfast island, working up her courage.

"Wine it is," Ellie answered with a smile. She went to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of white wine, removed the cork, and poured a glass for each of them.

"Lisa was very excited when Clara called to tell her about the matching lab coat you guys got for her. It always makes me so happy how well the girls get along. Chuck would've loved these mad scientist parties with them." Sarah felt a wistful sadness; she was long past the days where even thinking about him would send her into a dark spiral but she still missed him.

Ellie understood. "How was Santa Barbara? How did Lisa handle the two-year anniversary?"

"Good. Our trip last weekend went really well, actually. We hung out, told stories about him, laughed, and ate lots of junk food. Some crying, too, but nothing like it was at the one-year."

"And you?" asked Ellie.

"Fine," Sarah answered. "The anniversary is probably always going to be hard but life moves on." Sarah couldn't quite believe it had been two years since the car accident that changed everything but she didn't want to talk about that. She needed to get answers. Sarah downed half the wine in her glass and decided to barrel through it.

"Ellie, I need to talk to you about something. Did we have an affair?"

Ellie nearly spit out her wine in shock, and then worriedly looked out the window to make sure the girls were still in the middle of their party. She stared at Sarah. She looked nervous but determined. Ellie considered lying but knew that Sarah likely recovered a memory. That would be too difficult to explain away. She'd always wondered if Sarah would ever remember, or whether she had and just didn't say anything.

"What do you remember?" It was a tacit acknowledgement.

"Not much. There's a couch, us in a hotel room." Sarah blushed before continuing. "My old place, us... um… you know. And there's one where I'm alone and watching something while…" She cleared her throat, and took another small sip of the wine.

"What, um, what triggered it?" Ellie was stalling. She didn't know how to have this conversation. It had been so long ago, before Clara was born. The pang of old heartbreak resurfaced.

"I was going through some of Chuck's stuff Thursday night, actually a small box he'd kept on his dresser. I just couldn't deal with it after he died and, after I sold the house and we moved, I just kept putting it off. The weekend in Santa Barbara inspired me to take the plunge. It mostly had small knick-knacks and pictures of me and him. I'll give those to Lisa eventually. Anyway, there were also folded up notes and ideas, and one was written to me. It said _Dear Sarah, I found the thumb drive. I don't care, I love you_. I didn't know what it meant at first. I wracked my brain. I don't know when he wrote it or if he ever intended on giving it to me. But that night after I read it, I had these very realistic dreams. I realized they were memories of things that really happened between us. It was… surprising…"

Sarah paused and glanced at a pale and shocked Ellie. "I need you to help me with the rest. I spent all of yesterday trying to put it together but you know how this used to work, I remember more after talking it over with someone who was there. What do you know about a thumb drive?"

Tears filled Ellie's eyes. "He knew?" she whispered. _He knew and never said anything?_

"Ellie, tell me. Tell me everything."

Ellie grabbed a tissue, wiped her eyes. "It happened when you were still Chuck's handler, before you got together, before I got married. So, like 14 or 15 years ago? You came to our apartment during the day complaining about your hamstring and asked me to check it out. I was helping you stretch when… when it turned into more." Ellie finished off her wine and wanted another but knew she needed to stay focused. "Remember all those cameras in the apartment? You made sure the part with us was deleted. You kept a copy for yourself on that thumb drive."

Every word out of Ellie's mouth stunned Sarah. She knew what these images meant but she still felt embarrassed and confused. Keeping a copy explained the memory of watching something while pleasuring herself.

"Did we have sex that day?"

"Oh god…" Ellie got up and started pacing. Sarah could be so blunt sometimes. It was usually endearing but this was different.

"Not on the couch. We didn't even talk about it again. But about a year later… we slept together. At your place. I can't go into all those details. Please. We had one night, okay? That's it. You and Chuck still weren't together."

More images of their naked bodies together in her bed came to Sarah. These memories came with smells, emotions, sensations. Anger, intense arousal. She took some deep breaths.

Ellie noticed Sarah's breathing changes. There had been a sensory component with Sarah's previous memory recovery. She looked away when Sarah looked at her, realizing that Sarah was basically re-experiencing their time together.

"I remember being angry and hurt. At Chuck." She saw Ellie nod.

Ellie slowly said, "You guys had such a hard time figuring things out." She smiled when Sarah smiled in remembrance, then she continued. "That night… wasn't planned. It happened after a break up, though I would later find you hadn't been together at all at that point, but that's not... Anyway, I went over to talk to you about Chuck. You were hurt, lashing out, and I… I was there. It happened." Ellie threaded the line carefully between being open and opaque. She wanted to be factual but also didn't want to delve deeper.

"If it was only one night then what happened in the hotel room?"

Ellie began pacing again. "This is hard, Sarah. I thought you were never going to remember this."

Sarah got up and stepped in front of Ellie to stop her pacing. Looking into her eyes, she said, "Please, Ellie, the hotel room. I need to know. There were tears, I remember crying. What happened?"

"It was after you moved in with Chuck. I had recently discovered the truth about you guys and the C.I.A., my father had been murdered… you remember all that, right? I was pregnant, and everything that had happened between us was eating at me. I needed to talk things over with you. You showed me the thumb drive… I didn't even know it existed until that evening. We watched it, you destroyed it. It got complicated and emotional for both of us and there was some kissing but we stopped before it went further. And it never happened again. It ended that night."

Sarah took a step back and turned toward the sliding glass door. She walked toward it and watched Lisa and Clara finish setting up the Rube Goldberg machine. It looked like this one would be meant to turn on the sprinkler. She then looked down at her hands, which were rubbing together. So she destroyed the thumb drive all those years ago; it meant he'd found it before the hotel room. The guilt at crossing the line when she was with Chuck was painful but she took some comfort in knowing that it ended before she got engaged, before she and Chuck got married. She missed him so much.

"I never deserved him."

"He loved you and you loved him. You deserved that kind of happiness, Sarah."

Sarah started thinking of Ellie again. Something about this sliding glass door was familiar. The hotel room had one to a balcony. The crying… in the hall. The dream, the connection she felt as Ellie made love to her at the end of their night. Made love. She looked at Ellie who was staring at her empty glass.

"You were in love with me."

"I… didn't know you thought that," Ellie stammered, surprised. She couldn't admit the truth out loud, even now.

Sarah remembered more about that evening in the hotel room. The laptop. Her lips against Ellie's, moving kisses down her neck, chest, and stomach before being pushed away. She remembered how much they both wanted it. It was so clear now what Ellie had done that night.

"You were in love with me and you let me go to be with Chuck. And you continued on with Devon. Did you ever tell him? Is that why you divorced?"

"No… no, I never told him about us. It wasn't really about you… I mean, you were part of it but not really, if that makes sense. I stayed with him because I wanted what he and I had before. I wanted to give Clara the family she deserved. I loved him but it wasn't the same. What happened between us showed me I wasn't all-in the way I should've been, the way you and Chuck were all-in." She paused, remembering how that realization hurt her. "I fought it, though. I tried so hard... well, like I told you when we split four years ago, he was unhappy and it was selfish of me to not let him have someone who loved him the way he deserved. We're better as friends and parents than as a couple. You've seen that. Devon is a wonderful dad."

"It must've bothered you to know I didn't remember it, when most of my other memories came back."

Ellie didn't answer right away. Sarah losing those memories meant she could be fully committed to her brother. "You were with Chuck. It didn't matter whether you remembered that part of us. I think it actually helped that you didn't."

"What did you whisper after we made love?"

"What?" Ellie's heart was pounding. Did Sarah really just say 'made love'?

"You were crying and you whispered something, I couldn't really understand… what did you say?"

"I don't…" Ellie paused, she didn't want to lie. "I said I didn't know how I was going to move on from this."

"Ellie… did you love me?" Sarah went to Ellie and took hold of her hands, looking into her eyes. "Did you?"

"Yes," she whispered, unable to look away. Her admission scared her; she was worried about losing her friend, she didn't know how Sarah would react. Sarah's eyes had a familiar intensity as they stared at her lips. Ellie stepped away, moving around the island so they were separated. _It's just the memory recall making her feel that way._ "But you didn't feel the same way. I know these memories are hitting you hard right now and I know you felt something for me, but you _loved_ Chuck. The rest wasn't important."

Sarah got frustrated. "It wasn't important for me to know my own past? What I've done with my body? I mean, my number's been off all this time, Ellie." She saw Ellie get a look, like she was trying to hold something back, and then she burst out laughing. The laughter made Sarah smile, then she laughed at herself, too. As the laughter faded Sarah looked nervously at Ellie, the knowledge of their intimate past invading her senses, and she tried not to picture what a naked Ellie looked like all these years later.

But then a new thought occurred to her and Sarah got angry. Ellie kept all of this from her and it felt like a betrayal. "You should've told me. If you cared about me at all, you would've known that I would've wanted to know everything. The good, the bad, the mistakes, everything."

"Sarah, you were so happy. I wanted to protect you…"

"You wanted to protect yourself. You didn't want Chuck or Devon to find out. You were selfish."

It was Ellie's turn to get angry. "What could I do? Think about it. You were in love with Chuck, your husband. In love, Sarah. Real, do anything for each other, love. I didn't want to do anything to hurt either of you. I didn't know he already knew something had happened between us." Ellie picked up the wine bottle, shoved a stopper in it and put it back in the refrigerator harshly, and added in a sarcastic voice, "Oh Sarah, I see that you're finally happy in your dream house and a baby's on the way and guess what, we fucked once. Just thought you should remember that. Still friends?"

Just then the girls burst into the house. A chorus of mom's came out of their mouths.

"Mom, can Lisa sleep over?"

"Can I spend the night, mom?"

And then together, "Please!"

Sarah looked at Ellie who smiled and nodded.

"Okay," Sarah said, forcing a laugh. "I'll go home and get some of your sleep things."

Ellie said, "She can just borrow some of Clara's pajamas. And I think her toothbrush is still here from the last sleepover."

"You can spend the night, too, Mom," said Lisa, excitedly.

"No!" Sarah and Ellie both said together. They looked at each other uneasily but laughed it off for the girls' benefit.

"I have things to do at home, sweetie, but I'll pick you up tomorrow morning after breakfast, okay?"

"Yay!"

"Lisa, let's go up to my room. I want to show you what we're going to make the Rube Goldberg do next." The girls bounded out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Ellie said, "You'd think a three and a half year age difference would be a lot but Clara and Lisa are like two peas in a pod." She looked at Sarah. The interruption from the girls had relieved some of the tension but not all of it. "Did you want to stay for dinner?"

"I think I should go. I have a lot to think about."

Ellie looked sad. She felt like they'd lost something.

Sarah felt the urge to give Ellie a hug but her anger kept her away. Ellie had made a good point about her decision not to say anything but it still pissed her off. "I just need to be alone. Thanks for letting Lisa stay over."

She walked over to the staircase and yelled up, "Lisa, be good, listen to Aunt Ellie, okay? Love you!" Sarah heard a faint 'love you' in reply and she walked out without saying goodbye to Ellie.


	8. Chapter 8

Later, after Clara and Lisa turned the lights out to finally sleep, Ellie decided to call it a night as well. _Chuck knew_. She doubted he knew more than what he saw on that thumb drive but he would've wondered if it had happened again. She knew her brother. But he never said anything to her or made her feel any less trusted or loved. It broke her heart to know he kept that pain inside. She thought of Sarah, about what she remembered. It was so far in the past, she actually hadn't thought about it in years. At least, not in the way she was thinking about it tonight. She could tell herself before that she'd slept with Sarah, but now she was trying to remember every detail. The blush creeping up on her cheeks made her stop. Those feelings were dangerous for her and she couldn't go down that road again. Ellie thought of the months after the hotel room and the months leading up to Chuck's wedding. Somehow they had managed a friendship, never speaking again about what happened. Ellie hoped they could do that again; for their daughters but also for herself.

At home, Sarah sat in the living room and tried to organize the memories that had come to her today with the ones she'd been remembering ever since reading Chuck's note. Everything Ellie said rang true and matched up with the images in her mind. She wasn't angry anymore which allowed her to think more about how these memories were making her feel. Sarah felt a not unwelcome tingle at the thought of having slept with Ellie. Ellie had been her rock when Chuck died. She helped her get through the worst of it, pieced her back together, and made sure she didn't let her grief keep her from being a good mother to Lisa. If she was honest with herself, she knew she'd developed an attraction to Ellie but she'd tried to suppress it. She noticed it around six months ago after the four of them were having dinner at her house and when they said goodbye and hugged, their cheeks brushed against each other and Sarah felt a small flutter.

Then there was that night out two months later when Ellie insisted they go dancing. They got Mary to watch the girls, and while at the nightclub a woman asked Ellie to dance. Instead of using Sarah to fend off the suitors like she usually did, she agreed. Ellie had dated off and on since her divorce but it was never serious enough to introduce him or her to family and friends. But there she was getting very friendly with a stranger right in front of Sarah. The jealousy she felt inspired her to drink a little too much and chat up the good-looking guy sitting next to her at the bar. It got to the point where he felt bold enough to whisper entreaties for her to leave with him, which she ignored as she watched the mirror behind the bar where she could see the reflection of Ellie smiling and looking very interested at her dance partner. But there was a brief moment where Ellie had looked at her and Sarah thought she could see something flash across Ellie's face. Was it jealousy or just worry? She couldn't tell but Ellie quickly parted from the woman, grabbed Sarah, and said they were leaving. Outside when Ellie gave the valet her ticket, Sarah made a clumsy attempt at a kiss which Ellie gracefully deflected. Sarah would later tell herself it was the alcohol and they never spoke about it afterwards, though since then Sarah had often caught herself thinking about being with her even though she believed Ellie couldn't feel the same way.

In her room, Sarah looked at Chuck's note again. She felt guilt but also confusion as to why Chuck didn't confront her. His knowing changed her view of all their interactions and she started second-guessing and analyzing as many conversations about Ellie as she could remember. Did he feel jealous? Did he really and truly forgive her? She cried over him not being here so she could talk this out with him, crumpling the note in her hand, which felt familiar. She held still and remembered, this time a memory of her finding the note soon after their engagement.

" _Oh my god," Sarah said to herself, looking down at the note she just found. Before she could stop herself she crumpled it in her hand, wanting to throw it away but knowing that wouldn't change anything. She sat down on the bed and cried._

 _When Chuck got home that evening he saw Sarah sitting on the couch, her eyes red and puffy, surrounded by used tissues. She saw him notice the piece of crumpled paper on the coffee table and he realized what had happened. He looked shocked and uncertain. He sat down next to her, silent._

" _When?" she asked._

" _Soon after you moved in. I didn't mean to snoop, remember when I was moving some boxes and junk in there after you moved in? I accidentally pulled up the corner of the carpet in that closet and when I tried to push it back down… well, I found it."_

" _And you watched it?" A small part of Sarah's privacy felt violated but she refused to turn it back on him. She was the one at fault, not him._

" _Yeah… I just got curious. But… I didn't really watch the whole thing. I mean, I did, but I fast-forwarded because…" Chuck fell silent. She knew he was visualizing what he had seen. "Sarah, look, I meant what I said in the note. I don't care. I love you."_

 _Sarah stood up and started pacing. "Chuck, you can't mean that."_

" _I do, though. It happened before we got together. A long time before."_

" _Chuck…"_

 _He stood up, and tried to pull her into a hug but she pulled back. Chuck said, "It's in the past. We love each other. You and me, forever."_

" _Chuck, stop!" Sarah's heart was pounding. She needed to tell him. "I slept with her."_

 _Chuck sat down on the couch, looking like he'd been punched. She could tell this had crossed his mind but it still surprised him. He looked up at her, helpless and hurt._

 _The tears were back in Sarah's eyes as she sat down next to him, silent, waiting for him to absorb her words. It would've been easy to not tell him about that night, she could've left it at the thumb drive and a one-time indiscretion and that would've been that. But he needed to know the truth._

" _When?" he asked quietly._

" _After Prague. Just before I saw you again and got put back on the team. She came to see me, to talk about you, and it happened. It was just one night." In a softer voice she added, "I initiated it."_

 _They sat in silence again as Chuck took this in. "We still weren't dating yet."_

" _You're rationalizing."_

" _I don't care."_

" _Chuck, stop saying that. You should care. I kept this from you. I lied by omission."_

" _I remember that time, Sarah, I remember how hurt you were. As far as what she's done to me and Devon, we can talk about her another time. Right now, all I care about is you. I love you."_

" _Chuck, you can't let this go."_

" _Watch me," he said with a smile._

 _Sarah knew this was it, the moment of truth. She couldn't let him forgive her so easily. "There was a third time… I… I kissed her… after I moved in with you."_

 _This time Chuck gave no reaction and Sarah knew that he was too stunned to even process what it meant._

 _Seemingly in a daze, he asked, "That night you two went out?"_

 _Sarah's eyes widened at Chuck's memory. If he knew about the thumb drive back then, of course he would've been concerned about her meeting with Ellie. She nodded._

" _She was upset about the lies, what happened between us, and needed to talk about it. I brought the thumb drive to her, which I got rid of that night, but not before she watched it… and I guess old feelings got dredged up… we stopped it before it went too far and it's over… but it still happened. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry."_

 _Chuck blinked a few times and nodded. Then he got up and walked out. Sarah slipped off the couch and sank to her knees, sobbing. When she was able to calm down enough she went to the bedroom and started gathering her things. She didn't get very far before the tears came again and she got on the bed and curled into Chuck's pillow. About an hour later he walked in._

" _Chuck… I didn't think you'd be back tonight…" Sarah said, getting off the bed and looking for a tissue._

" _Yeah," he answered softly. "I made it to the 101 before I realized I didn't feel like fighting traffic." She saw him look at her half-packed bag and what he said next shocked her._

" _Sarah, we can get through this."_

" _Dammit, Chuck, wake up! I cheated. With your sister. I wasn't even the one who stopped it, she did. If she hadn't, I would've… That's unforgivable and you know it."_

" _You're wrong." He grabbed her hands but she pulled them away._

" _Why are you so determined to let this go?!"_

" _Why are you so determined to push me away?!"_

" _Because I love you, you big idiot!" Sarah shouted. She took some deep breaths and continued. "You deserve so much better than me, Chuck. Someone who's not going to hurt you. You can't forgive this. I know I wouldn't. You and I were living together, in a committed relationship. That's a line. I crossed it."_

" _Do you regret it?"_

" _What?"_

" _You said you were sorry. Do you regret cheating? Wish it didn't happen. Do you still want to marry me?"_

" _Of course, I do. But…"_

" _Sarah, what do you think forgiveness is? Do you think it means I'm okay with what you did, that what happened doesn't hurt me? When I say 'I don't care' I'm not saying I'm okay with it, I'm not saying I understand. Because I fucking don't. I don't understand, Sarah. But I want to. I'm saying that I want us to work past it, I don't want to let anger and resentment ruin my life the way I let those feelings ruin it for a while after Stanford. Forgiveness means letting that go. If you can tell me it's not going to happen again, I'll believe you."_

" _Chuck… I made a choice, I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. Yes, it's over and I wish I hadn't done it, and it's never going to happen again. God, I just got caught up in the moment, but that doesn't excuse what I did."_

 _He reached again for her hands and this time she didn't pull away. Chuck put one hand on her cheek but she kept looking down. "I'm not a doormat, Sarah. I know who I am and I know who you are and I know what we can be together. Good times and bad times, right? People work through this stuff all the time, why do you think there are marriage counselors? We're going to be happy, Sarah, I know it, but it doesn't mean it's going to be perfect. Nothing's perfect. We're going to fight and hurt each other again because we'll be as close as two people can be with our insecurities and egos screwing things up."_

 _That got a bitter laugh out of Sarah. When she finally got the courage to look into his eyes, he smiled. "And we're going to love and fight for each other and support each other and it'll be amazing. I need you to try. Please try with me." Then he kissed her and she couldn't resist him._

Sarah was crying. The memories filled in quickly. She should've walked right out but she loved him and couldn't do it. They talked and made love for hours that night. He told her he wrote the note because even though he had decided to let it go, he struggled with not being able to talk about it and thought writing it down would help. In the weeks that followed they made sure to touch base frequently on any questions he had and needed to work through. He didn't ask much about the details and she was careful to avoid talking about Ellie's feelings; she knew Chuck would have a harder time with it if he knew that part. But when he asked about Sarah's side of things, she told the truth about her struggles with how she felt about him and the attraction to Ellie, how it had been a pattern for her to use people like Barker, Shaw, and Ellie, in varying degrees, to avoid dealing with her true feelings for Chuck. It was scary and freeing, being this open, knowing that she had a full partner she loved and who loved her. It wasn't easy. They still argued but even in the arguments she knew their commitment was total; she would do everything she could to make sure she earned this, earned him. She had no idea that he'd kept the note after that day or why he had done so.

Chuck didn't like her request that they not tell Ellie he knew the truth but she was able to convince him to put it off for a while, to wait until after the wedding at least, that Ellie wouldn't know how to be around him if he knew. Ellie had a newborn to take care of, was seemingly making it work with Devon, and Sarah secretly just wanted Ellie to have the distance she needed to move past her feelings. She and Chuck got married with eyes wide open and it was one of the happiest days of her life. They went through so much together, and then Quinn happened. The plan to let Ellie know obviously got scrapped.

::::

The next day, Sarah ate a quick breakfast and got ready to pick up Lisa. Yesterday's anger at Ellie had gone but nervousness had taken its place. She had to tell Ellie that Chuck didn't just know about the thumb drive, he knew everything, and Sarah had told him.

At Ellie's house, Ellie was busy scrambling eggs and washing strawberries and blueberries for the girls' breakfast. She made sure to make a large pot of coffee in case Sarah wanted any when she arrived. They came downstairs laughing and excited.

"Mom, can Lisa spend the day here?" Clara and Lisa sat down and started eating.

"I don't know. Aunt Sarah might have plans. Plus, you have to finish reading that book and do that worksheet before school tomorrow."

"Oh Mom, you know I can get that done in like an hour." She gave a conspiratorial look at Lisa and Ellie heard her whisper to Lisa that they would ask Sarah when she got here. Ellie made the plates and placed them in front of the girls.

Ellie heard the knock on the door and went to let Sarah in. When she opened the door, Sarah stood there avoiding eye contact, looking afraid and nervous. _And beautiful_ , she thought. Ellie blinked her eyes, bracing herself for the conversation to come where she would do what she could to get things back to normal.

Sarah saw that Ellie looked a bit stiff and wondered if the short fight from yesterday was still bothering Ellie. She said hi and had to gently push pass Ellie since she had seemingly rooted herself to the floor.

"They're in the kitchen eating. Um, do you want any coffee?"

"Yes, thank you," said Sarah, and they walked through to the kitchen.

"Hi Mom," said Lisa, her mouth full of strawberries. Sarah noted the empty plates and gave Lisa a quick hug and grabbed one of the empty mugs Ellie had left by the coffee maker, serving herself.

"Good morning. Did you and Clara enjoy your sleepover?"

"Oh yeah, I stayed up until… um, I mean, yeah… we had fun." Lisa smiled nervously and Clara laughed at the younger girl's slip, knowing Sarah wouldn't really get mad.

"Sounds like you had a great time," Sarah laughed. "Hey, it looks like you're done with breakfast; can you girls go play outside or upstairs for a little bit while I catch up with Aunt Ellie?"

"Excellent! Lisa, come on. We'll get dressed and go back outside. Mom, don't forget to ask Aunt Sarah if Lisa can spend the day with us." Sarah enjoyed watching them march away, whispering their plans to each other. Clara may be older but she always treated Lisa like an equal, never bossing her around. They were cousins but also like sisters. Then she looked at Ellie. Her sister-in-law turned best friend and now it turns out, former lover.

Ellie poured herself a second cup of coffee and waited for Sarah to say what was on her mind.

Sarah sipped her coffee for a minute, enjoying the warmth, and the company. For a brief moment she thought perhaps she shouldn't say anything but knew Ellie should know. It had been the plan all along after all.

"I remembered something else last night related to that note. It turns out this was not the first time I found it and… he knew I found it."

Ellie's jaw fell open slightly as the ramifications sank in. She put the coffee down, barely noticing the girls run through and out into the yard.

"Sarah… how? I mean, when did this happen?

"Just after we got engaged. Super spy that he was had it in with his socks… maybe subconsciously he wanted me to find it. It was… shocking, and I was so afraid of losing him, but I had to talk to him about it."

"You told him everything." It was not a question. Ellie felt disconnected from her body. Yesterday's shock was nothing compared to this.

"Yes," Sarah said softly, staring at Ellie's face, which was still looking away from her, a far off look in it.

"So he knew everything after that. Knew what I'd done to him. Knew and he still…" Ellie began to cry. She felt Sarah's arms take hold of her and Ellie cried into Sarah's neck, feeling overwhelmed at how good her brother was.

"He still let me baby him and give him advice all the while knowing that I betrayed him, that I was such a damn hypocrite. How it must've hurt him to know that I could do something like that…"

Sarah held Ellie close. "He forgave you, Ellie. He told me he did. We talked about when the best time would be to bring this out into the open with you. Stuff kept happening, you know? And then the memory loss just threw everything off. But maybe I screwed up there. We should've had it out with you right away. I'm sorry, Ellie. I'm sorry."

Looking back, it now made sense to Ellie how things suddenly seemed less awkward between her and Sarah before their wedding. Sarah glowed, was not in any turmoil at all. Chuck had forgiven Sarah and Sarah was re-committed to him. Ellie wished she had been brave enough to own up to everything while he was alive. And now it was too late to say how sorry she was. She held tightly to Sarah as she cried helplessly.

* * *

 **A/N: So yeah, even though I killed him off I knew I had to have Chuck find out everything. He had to in order for him and Sarah to have a real commitment. Ellie, unfortunately, wasn't so lucky.**

 **Thanks again for the reviews and comments. Keep them coming. I'll try to update with the next chapter by the end of the week.  
**


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! This is another angsty transition chapter. I prefer turmoil over quick resolutions but we'll get there eventually. Enjoy.

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The crying eventually stopped but they didn't pull apart. Sarah felt Ellie's body heat radiate against her, the tears and breath on Sarah's neck highlighting the intimacy of the moment. She didn't want it to end but Ellie needed her friendship right now, not another complication. They pulled out of the hug.

"I'm sorry, I'm okay now. I just got overwhelmed," said Ellie, embarrassed.

"It's okay, don't apologize. Believe me, I cried a lot last night, too. This is a lot to absorb for anyone… and I keep imagining him. He took a lot onto himself and I wish he'd shared that load with me by trying to help me remember but at the same time I can't really blame him." Sarah thought again how awkward it must've felt for Chuck, wondering how to bring it up. _Maybe he thought I did remember and he didn't know what to do. He kept the note, maybe it became a reminder to him that he would talk about it with me eventually._

Sarah walked back to where her coffee was. It had cooled a bit but she still drank it. She watched Ellie get a tissue and wipe her eyes. Ellie was so strong, even when she was broken down. When Chuck died, Ellie put everything she felt aside to help her. But Ellie had needed her, too. She'd catch Ellie sobbing uncontrollably and Sarah would hold her until it passed. Sarah didn't speak during those times; she had no words of comfort in her grief, but Ellie clung to her as if her life depended on it, and in those moments Sarah found the strength to be Ellie's rock and let Ellie be free to rage at the unfairness of their loss.

Ellie could feel Sarah's gaze but avoided looking, instead looking out the window over the sink. She opened it that morning to let in the warm breeze. Her kitchen smelled like sunshine and it was comforting. She closed her eyes and looked inward, recognizing emotions she hadn't felt in years. Ellie brushed them aside.

"Did you ever test me to find out if I knew?" Sarah wondered aloud. It was something she would've done.

"Once. About five years ago, we were hanging out without the guys and you'd mentioned you thought you'd pulled something in your leg while running after Lisa, I forget what it was… and I kind of said that I could help you stretch on the couch. You seemed oblivious. Do you remember that?"

"No, I don't," Sarah smiled. "But it sounds innocuous enough not to have made me think you were fishing for a particular response."

"You could've been using your expert spy skills to hide your reaction but I was pretty confident you didn't remember." Ellie smiled but then frowned.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know," answered Ellie. "Your remembering _was_ always a possibility, I guess. When you first started getting your memories back, I wasn't too worried because it would've just been a quick return to the status quo. And when it didn't seem like you remembered at all, and I would be the only one to know… it was lonely. But it turns out Chuck knew, too. It's so strange to know he and I carried this with us." Ellie could feel the tears threatening to return and didn't want to cry anymore in front of Sarah.

"Sarah, I know I'm supposed to ask if Lisa can stay here for the day but I think I'm going to drop Clara off at Devon's this morning rather than tonight. I need some time."

"Of course," Sarah said, grabbing her purse, and going to the open window over the sink to yell for Lisa to get ready to go. "You'll call me if you want to talk, right? Anytime, Ellie. Okay?" Sarah was worried about her. She hoped Ellie would reach out to her if she needed to.

"Okay. Thanks."

::::

Sarah tried to keep herself busy the rest of the day. She took Lisa shopping for new shoes, not because she outgrew them but because she wore them out so quickly. Then they picked up groceries for the week. In the quiet moments she kept thinking of Chuck and how he felt after she started regaining her memories. She remembered how hard that was for him, for them both. But with this, her un-remembered involvement with Ellie which he knew about, she knew that would've been too much for him to hold inside. There was only one person to call. Later that night, when Sarah was sure Lisa was asleep, she dialed Morgan's number.

"Sarah, hey. You know, I was just thinking about you guys. Do you think Lisa would like it if we took her to the zoo? Little Rosie has been begging us for the zoo…"

"Morgan, I'm sorry, let's talk about the zoo another time, okay? I need to talk to you about Chuck."

"All right. Full attention. What's up?"

For a split second she almost chickened out but she gripped the phone and said, "I remembered about Ellie." When Morgan didn't speak, she knew her guess had been right. "And I know Chuck would've needed someone to talk to about this and that leaves you, Morgan… Morgan?"

"Ahhh… uhhh…"

"You know what I'm talking about, I know you do."

"Sarah… I… uh…"

Sarah lost patience. "Morgan, focus! When did he tell you?"

There was a frustrating pause but then he answered. "About seven months into your pregnancy. He was so excited but I guess also stressed out? He came over and it came out."

"Was he okay? I remember the stress but everything seemed normal. I thought we were happy, though."

"Oh, totally. He was happy. Over the moon happy. I guess he just started to worry about whether he was doing the right thing by not telling you. He said he thought you would remember on your own and then when you didn't, he kept putting it off until he didn't know _how_ to tell you. The baby felt like a point of no return."

"But he… he had no regrets about me, right? He knew I loved him, didn't he?" Sarah wasn't able to hide the shake in her voice.

"Sarah, of course he knew that. Don't you ever doubt it."

She stifled a sniff and wiped her eyes. Then Morgan asked, "So does Ellie know you know? Does she know Chuck knew?"

"Yeah."

"So everyone knows now, right?"

"There's still Devon but we should leave that up to Ellie. And she doesn't know you know so just keep that to yourself unless you never want to be invited to a dinner at her house ever again. Did you tell Casey or Alex?"

"No, ma'am. That was between me and Chuck and it stayed that way."

"Good. They're not directly involved, I don't see why they need to know. It becomes more like gossip. But that said, I'll leave it to you about Alex – she's your wife. Just give me a heads up if you do decide to share."

"Okay, sounds good."

"Thanks, Morgan. I have to go." She hung up.

::::

Ellie spent the rest of the day crying, yelling at herself, and staring off into nothing, wishing she could take back all the lies to Chuck, and feeling angry for the betrayal and confusion she caused him. She wanted to apologize, wanted to feel his acceptance, the acceptance he'd given Sarah. She was jealous and upset with herself for being jealous. She wallowed and self-pitied until it was time to go to work on Monday and she could distract herself with problem-solving. Fortunately Devon had Clara for the week; she didn't have to worry about unraveling in front of her daughter. Work became a blur over the next few days but by the end of the week she felt ready to see Sarah. It all seemed out in the open now but Ellie had a feeling that there were still things to say. Sarah teleworked sometimes on Fridays so Ellie decided she'd take a chance and drop by before school let out.

Sarah was in her kitchen fixing herself a sandwich for lunch when she heard the knock at the door. She was surprised and happy to see Ellie but became concerned when Ellie's hug seemed stiff. Sitting in the living room, Sarah waited for Ellie to say what she came to say but it looked as if she needed help getting started.

"I was hoping you'd call. When I didn't hear from you, I got worried." Ellie still didn't respond and Sarah's concern sharpened. She switched tack from friendly chit chat to directness.

"I'm sorry, Ellie." Sarah saw the crease in Ellie's eyebrow, and knew she got Ellie's attention.

"For what?"

"For telling him. I promised you that I wouldn't."

Ellie mulled this over for a minute. If Chuck had confronted Ellie instead of carelessly hiding a note to Sarah, would she have found the strength to confess all or would she have tried to minimize the truth and hide the rest? She wanted to believe the former but her heart sank knowing how much her fear would've led her to do the latter.

"You found out he knew. You did the right thing. And it looks like you were right after all."

Sarah gave a quizzical look. "Right about what?"

"In the hotel room, you told me you wanted to tell him, that he'd forgive us. I thought I was protecting him. Protecting you. But I was really a coward."

"Ellie," Sarah said, reaching over to squeeze Ellie's shoulder. "You can't do this to yourself. You may have been afraid to tell Chuck but you were brave and strong, too. I'll always be grateful for what you did."

Sarah and Ellie looked at each other, not saying anything, each knowing what Sarah meant. Sarah squeezed her shoulder again and dropped her hand back to her lap. Ellie looked down at her hands and closed her eyes.

"Did he know… did you tell him how I felt?"

"No. I told him everything else but it didn't feel right telling him that. Maybe he put it together for himself, I don't know, but I didn't tell him."

"How did you know? I never said anything." Ellie opened her eyes but still didn't look at Sarah.

"At the hotel, after I walked out of the room I heard you crying through the door. I just knew. I tried to make it easier for you after that night. I did what I could to avoid knowing looks, stuff like that. It was still awkward for a while, I know, but I didn't want to hurt you more than I already had."

"And did you check with Morgan?"

Sarah smiled sadly and nodded. Ellie was his sister and would've reached the same conclusion she did about Chuck needing someone to talk to about this.

"Morgan didn't tell anyone. I believe him." Ellie nodded. Sarah could usually read Ellie pretty well but she wasn't sure what Ellie was thinking right now. It seemed like she was shutting down in a way. But at least Ellie came to her and they were still talking.

"Ellie, do you remember sitting together having that drink before my bachelorette party?"

Sarah saw the corners of Ellie's mouth tease at a smile but it didn't reach her eyes.

"I thought for sure we were going to talk about it. Last hurrah kind of thing before my wedding. I was hoping you would."

"I almost did. But I was so focused on my dad's laptop; I needed to stay focused on that. Thinking about you would've…" Ellie sighed. "It was better to not say anything at all. Why did you want me to?"

"Because I wanted to know if you were okay, if you and Devon were solid. I wanted to know that you were getting past it."

"You pitied me." Ellie stiffened, wondering if that's how Sarah and Chuck had talked about her.

"No, Ellie, that's not what it was. I felt guilty and I cared about you."

Again they settled into silence. Sarah couldn't help but stare at Ellie's eyes, now looking so pained, her jawline, her neck. Ellie seemed to notice and cleared her throat.

"So, do you think you remember everything now?"

"Um, I think so, I'm not sure. It's been a wild ride; these memories are so… powerful. I don't know if it's the length of time they've been suppressed but it's like I was reliving them," Sarah paused, wondering if Ellie would understand her meaning.

"That'll fade. Then they'll just sit in the past like everything else."

"And what if I don't want them to?" Sarah flinched inwardly at how she couldn't manage the words to express what she felt except to say that she didn't want them to go away. She was still trying to figure her feelings out but she felt she had to talk about it now. As raw as Ellie was feeling, Sarah didn't want to wait until Ellie had closed off to her completely.

Ellie glanced sharply at Sarah and then looked down to her hands. _Shit_.

"It's just the memories. You'll feel differently in a few weeks." Ellie's voice quavered. She didn't know if that was true but it seemed more believable than a Sarah who suddenly liked her. She didn't like how she'd left her last statement open to disagreement; Ellie needed to take control.

"I know you've experienced some eventful flashbacks but let's be honest with each other, did you love me back then?"

"I… no," Sarah admitted, looking away.

"If I had told you I wanted to leave Devon and wanted you to leave Chuck, would you have?"

Sarah shook her head and whispered 'no.' She was surprised. It didn't even occur to her that Ellie had contemplated that scenario.

"No. Of course not," Ellie said darkly, thinking back to that brief moment of insanity in the hotel room where she believed she could live with an affair, live with whatever Sarah was willing to give her because she loved her. Sarah's earlier words dangled in the air… "if things were different." Sarah was kissing her stomach and unbuckling her belt and the thought came into her head about running off together. There had been a need in Sarah's eyes that she hadn't seen before, like Sarah had experienced some revelation about her attraction to Ellie. It was more than physical. But it wasn't love. The absurdity of Sarah ever leaving Chuck for her made her push Sarah away. These were truths she's had to live with all these years and she was going to push Sarah hard with some of them right now.

"Way back when on that stupid couch I felt something that I should've resisted. And the night we slept together, I made the choice to give in. I gave in even though I knew you were using me. You took advantage of the attraction I felt to soothe the heartbreak you were going through. I know you later said there was something, and I believe you, by the end of that night I felt it and I felt it again in the hotel room… but I also saw how one-sided it was, me with my feelings and you with your unexplainable attraction, which you quickly got over after I ended it. I ended it for you and Chuck, but I also ended it for me. I watched you marry my brother and I had no choice but to get over it. I ruined my marriage along the way but I did get over it, Sarah."

Sarah felt ashamed at Ellie's words and the resentment behind them. She _had_ used Ellie. Sarah also knew Ellie had made the right decision for all of them. She was indebted to her for it. Chuck was the one, and made her happier than she had ever dreamed was possible. But he was gone. And right now Ellie's words gave her feelings urgency; she could feel Ellie building up the wall between them.

"Just so we're clear, you don't feel anything for me anymore?" Sarah held her breath.

"I'm sorry, but I don't. I just want us to be friends," Ellie replied, ready for this question, having braced herself for some version of it all week because preserving their friendship was paramount. She hadn't anticipated Sarah would make the question part of an explorative romantic overture, and it confused her, but nevertheless she held eye contact and answered quickly, but not too quickly. The look on Sarah's face told her Sarah believed her. She seemed upset and again Ellie was confused but she didn't want to stick around and think any more about her past and current feelings.

Ellie mustered an airy, friendly voice and said, "Well, I should let you get back to work. Devon's bringing Clara home tomorrow night and I have to try to salvage a week's worth of undone errands and chores. We'll talk soon about setting up another get together for the girls, okay?"

"Um, yeah." Sarah barely registered the light hug from Ellie and distractedly followed her to the door.

Sarah closed the front door and the disappointment took her breath away. She admittedly hadn't been sure about what she wanted when she turned the conversation to how she was feeling but she thought Ellie would be open to listening to her, drawing out her thoughts like Ellie had done over the years whenever she felt confused about something. But the way Ellie had spoken to her… _Ellie doesn't feel the same way_. Did she really think Ellie would hold onto these feelings for over a decade? There were no tears but Sarah felt an ache that spread throughout her body.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: This chapter hopefully moves some things along in the right direction. Enjoy.***

* * *

"Lisa, you can stop pressing the doorbell, I think they know we're here," Sarah chided lightly, trying not to appear nervous. She hadn't seen Ellie since that day at her house a little over a week ago.

"Oh Mom, you're no fun," Lisa answered in a teasing voice that always got a laugh out of Sarah.

Ellie opened the door, genuinely happy to see them. She calmed the butterflies in her stomach at seeing Sarah.

Sarah bent down to Lisa and gave her a hug. "Remember what I said, be good…"

"And listen to Aunt Ellie. Got it. Bye, Mom!" Lisa ran into the house.

Sarah stood up and saw that Ellie looked confused.

"You're not staying?"

"Um, no, sorry. I have a lot to do today. Is that okay? I can pick Lisa up in like three hours?" Sarah had her best game-face on. She was earnest, friendly, trying not to make Ellie feel awkward over what she'd implied she wanted at their last meeting. She just couldn't be alone with her.

"No, yeah, that's fine. Are you okay?" Ellie felt a small panic. This was not how today was supposed to go.

Ellie reached a hand out and Sarah subtly moved her body out of reach, stepping back with a bright smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry again. I'll see you later when I pick Lisa up."

"Sure. Drop by if you finish your errands early, okay?" It sounded needy and Ellie cringed inwardly.

"Yeah. See you later." Sarah quickly got into her car and left.

Weeks went by like this, seeing each other only at playdates with the girls. Sarah would drop Lisa off, and when the playdate was at her house, she would busy herself with playing with the girls rather than sit alone with Ellie. Any brief exchange was made up of small talk and also of details of an upcoming camping trip the girls were going to take with Devon. Ellie would try to get Sarah alone to talk about what was going on but thanks to Sarah's efforts she could only get out the occasional 'are we okay?' to which Sarah always answered, 'yeah.' Ellie had texted a couple of invitations to meet for coffee but Sarah was still too upset to see her in private. Sarah knew she wasn't being fair to Ellie but she didn't know how else she was going to get over this. It was especially frustrating because Ellie was right. Though she remembered that she had felt something all those years ago, she had not been where Ellie had been. And where was she now? Her current emotions were mixed up with those of the past. Maybe Ellie was right about it fading eventually. And at this point maybe fading away was a good thing because of how she was currently treating their friendship. Either way, Sarah would have to figure this out fast. Lisa would soon notice how things have been different, if she hadn't already.

::::

Sarah pulled into the driveway at Devon's house early on the Friday morning of the camping trip. It was a modest single-level home on a quiet street, in a neighborhood not too far from Ellie's house. Ellie's car was already there. Lisa quickly scrambled out of the car and ran inside the house. Sarah took a deep breath and braced herself to see Ellie and Devon, the guilt over how she had contributed to their break-up still fresh in her mind. She got out of the car and went to the trunk to get Lisa's stuff.

Ellie and Devon were talking in the kitchen, sipping coffee, when Sarah walked in. Devon came over and gave her a bear hug, and she gave a tentative wave to Ellie, who offered a small smile.

"So are you excited?" Sarah asked.

"Oh yes," grinned Devon. "Skies will be clear, temperature's warm, we're all going to have a great time. Lisa's in Clara's room but they'll be out soon."

"Good," Sarah replied. There was an awkward silence which Devon tried to fill with small talk about work and the trip but Sarah hardly heard any of it. When her eyes met Ellie's, her heart raced as Ellie held eye contact, a noticeable blush rising in both their faces, Devon's words fading in the background. For a split second, Sarah thought Ellie had changed her mind. But then Ellie looked away and Sarah felt foolish for thinking there was a chance for them.

"Well, if you don't need me to help with anything, I'm just going to get going. Devon, thanks for doing this. Call me if anything comes up." She went to Clara's room to say goodbye to Lisa and then rushed out.

Without a word, Ellie hurried out the front door. Sarah was already by her car and Ellie called out, "Sarah, wait."

"I'm sorry, Ellie. I have to go. I'll see you on Sunday when I pick up Lisa, okay?" She grabbed the door handle but Ellie grabbed her arm. It was like feeling fire on her arm and Sarah pulled away harshly.

"Sarah, why can't we get past this? Get back to the way things were before?"

"I'm trying, Ellie," Sarah answered, staring at her car.

"By barely talking to me?"

Sarah turned to face Ellie, her anger bubbling over. "It's hard, okay? You, of all people, know how hard it is." Sarah saw how Ellie looked surprised by her words and she felt something inside her snap, overwhelmed by a rush of emotion. Before she knew it she grabbed Ellie's face to pull her into a hard kiss. Ellie didn't return the kiss and Sarah was about to pull away to apologize when she felt Ellie step in closer to press her body flush against Sarah's, parting her lips slightly. Sarah wrapped her arms around her, feeling Ellie's hands on her face, their mouths sliding against each other in a desperate passion. It only lasted a few short seconds before Ellie broke the kiss.

Sarah was surprised at her own actions. She hadn't intended on kissing Ellie like that. She reached out to Ellie but Ellie shook her head and stepped back. Sarah saw the regret on her face.

Hurt, Sarah said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

When Ellie didn't say anything more, she got in the car and drove away.

::::

From Clara's bedroom window Lisa and Clara watched Sarah drive away, and they darted down before Ellie saw them.

"Told you," Clara said to Lisa.

"But you said your mom liked my mom. They looked mad at each other to me."

"You're forgetting the kiss."

Lisa fell silent. She wanted her dad and started to feel angry at her mom. Was she forgetting him?

::::

Ellie walked back inside the house to the kitchen, saw that Devon still looked surprised at Sarah's quick departure, and tried to keep her face neutral. The kiss had brought a rush of feelings Ellie didn't know how to handle. Ignoring them seemed the right course of action for now.

"Ellie?" Devon walked over to Ellie's side and touched her arm. "Are you and Sarah okay?"

"What? Yes, of course we are," Ellie smiled, trying to look incredulous.

Devon crinkled his eyes, looking like he wanted to say something. "Hold on for a sec."

He disappeared for a minute and then Clara and Lisa were running out into the backyard. Devon walked back into the kitchen and said, "I told them to go play while we talked."

"Devon?"

"You know… life's short, Ellie. Too short to not chase after the things we want."

Ellie stared hard at Devon, unsure at his meaning. When he glanced toward the front of the house and turned to look back at her, she understood.

"Devon, how… I…" She was flustered. _How could he know?_

"Ellie, it's okay. You and I _were_ married and I do know you. I also like to think I have a good understanding of the heart, and I notice things. Like how she's been looking at you this past year… and how you used to look at her all those years ago."

Tears filled her eyes. She'd been such an idiot. All this time she thought she'd fooled everyone but she had only fooled herself. She looked at her ex-husband and felt a deep remorse.

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"I know," he replied. Devon pulled her into a hug and she cried, letting it all out and confessing everything she had done to him.

::::

Lisa tried to enjoy the swing but she soon stopped kicking and let it idle to a stop as Clara continued to swing higher and higher. But when Clara noticed Lisa's mood, she dragged her feet and forced a stop.

"Are you okay? What's up?" Clara could tell her cousin was on the verge of crying.

"Do you think my mom stopped loving my dad?"

"Don't be silly, silly."

" _Your_ parents stopped. And then they started dating other people."

"But that's different. Uncle Chuck died… your parents would've never gotten a divorce."

"I guess. I know you said it would be cool but I don't like it, Clara. I mean, I love Aunt Ellie and all… but she's Dad's sister… don't you think that's weird?"

"Maybe, I don't know. Isn't this better than your mom dating someone you don't know at all? I've never even met the people my mom dated."

"What's better is my mom not dating anyone ever." Lisa kicked at the dirt.

"Oh. Well, I guess if you made a big deal out of it your mom would stop it," Clara said quietly.

"Do you think so?" Lisa looked at Clara but was confused that Clara looked mad at her. "Are you mad?"

"I love my mom and I think she could be happy with Aunt Sarah. And then we would really be like sisters. Just think about it before you try busting it up. What if your mom really loves my mom? And what if keeping them apart makes her really sad?"

Lisa thought for a moment and nodded. She didn't want her mom to be sad. This was just too confusing. _How can she love Aunt Ellie and still love Dad?_ She suddenly didn't want to go camping anymore but she didn't want to disappoint Clara.

Clara felt bad for Lisa and had an idea. "We could talk with my dad about it after we set up camp? See what he thinks? He always likes to say he understands the heart better than anyone."

At this Lisa smiled. "Yeah."

"But you know what he's going to say, right?"

"What?"

Clara summoned her best impression of her dad. "Uncle Chuck was awesome, we all still love him, and no one's going to take his place." She broke down laughing and was happy to see her cousin join in the giggling.

Clara continued, "He'll also say you should talk to your mom and share your feelings."

"I guess I should talk to her when I get back home?"

"Definitely. Do you feel better?"

"A little. I like having a plan." Lisa smiled at her cousin. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if their moms got together. She still wanted to talk it over with her mom, though.

"Good. Now let's enjoy these swings before we have to be stuck in a car for a couple of hours."

Lisa laughed and tried to forget her worry, swinging higher and higher, trying to soar as high as a cloud.

::::

Ellie expected angry responses but Devon was kind, asking only clarifying questions, letting her tell her story. Their conversation had moved to the couch in the den and they settled into a comfortable silence after she finished.

"Are you okay?" Ellie asked.

"Yeah… it's a lot to take in. I mean, I always wondered what happened to us. I feel like it would've helped if you had said something sooner… or maybe I should've voiced my suspicions? Is this why we only stayed in Chicago for a few years?"

"We came back because I was feeling isolated there and we were trying to save our marriage."

"You weren't willing to give up right away, I know that. You loved me but I could tell something was different. We didn't have a chance at all, did we?"

"I'm sorry, Devon. You have no idea how sorry I am." Ellie knew there was truth in Devon's words. If she'd been braver, if she'd been willing to own up, maybe things would've turned out differently; maybe they would've been able to recapture what they had before she allowed her heart to stray.

"I guess things worked out the way they were supposed to." Devon looked at her with a sad smile.

"You know, you're supposed to yell at me. Unfaithful wife, betrayer of little brothers. I mean, who does that? I'm a horrible person, Devon. You don't have to be so kind."

"Would it help if I called you a piece of shit?" Devon said with a wink.

"Go for it," Ellie laughed, thankful that Devon could still joke with her after all of this.

"Okay. You're a piece of shit, Dr. Bartowski, and you probably root for USC," Devon said in an exaggerated, booming voice.

Ellie's eyes sparkled at the USC comment. "You go too far, Dr. Woodcomb," she replied, "But I deserve that." She looked appraisingly at her ex-husband. Ellie saw the pain in his eyes in spite of the smile he was flashing her.

She asked, "Are you really okay?"

"Well… I'm a little mad. And it hurts, I can't lie about that. But it's so long ago, and we already went through so much pain in the divorce. I like where we are now and I feel like you've beaten yourself up enough about it already. Plus I'm with Marisol. What's the point of staying angry? I'll be okay. Really. And I reserve the right to yell at you later. Agreed?" Devon smiled.

"Agreed," she said quietly. She knew he wouldn't yell at her. He was letting this go, would deal with it in a way that didn't involve punishing her, and in that moment she remembered why she'd fallen in love with him in the first place.

"So… Sarah loves you?"

Ellie looked at Devon, unsure if she wanted to talk about this with him. But she'd already told Devon the hard part. "No... I don't know. I don't know exactly what she's feeling. And I'm afraid. What if I choose this and it doesn't work out and our friendship is ruined? Or what if she realizes she doesn't really feel that way at all, that it's just these memories right now that are influencing her? I couldn't handle that, Devon."

"But you're forgetting what I said before about how she's looked at you this past year. That was before she remembered. You haven't noticed?"

Ellie thought back and did recall that time Sarah tried to kiss her after a night out but Ellie blamed the alcohol. Could this also explain some of the tension she'd felt coming from Sarah after that night?

"I guess… but… I don't even know what I'm feeling. I _thought_ I got over it. You and I split but eventually I started dating other people..."

"Never anything serious, though. Lots of second dates and a couple that made it longer than that. The longest was two and a half months, what was that, a year ago? You kept rescheduling plans to introduce her to Clara and she got tired of waiting and broke things off. Laurel?"

"Laura."

"You liked her a lot. I could tell by the way you talked about her."

"I did… but…"

"But she wasn't Sarah?"

Ellie let out a long sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. Sarah had needed her a year ago. The one-year anniversary of losing Chuck had hit her and Lisa hard and Ellie tried to provide as many distractions for them as possible. She had less and less time for Laura, who wanted something more serious.

"Are you afraid she'll compare you to Chuck?"

"Yes," she answered, surprised at Devon's insight. "But it's not just that. They were so happy. It doesn't seem right that he's gone and I get this chance with her. I feel like I would be taking advantage of something so horrible. It makes me feel guilty even thinking about it."

"It's been two years, Ellie."

"It's not fair, Devon. After everything they'd gone through, all the times they almost died and didn't. A car accident?"

"I know. But we both read the police and M.E.'s reports. Truck driver had a heart attack and ran the red. Chuck died instantly. There was nothing they could've done. It's a miracle Sarah survived it with minor injuries. And thank god Lisa was at Mary's."

Ellie was crying now. "He's the one that should be here raising his family, watching Lisa grow up to be so much like him. I betrayed him, how can I even think of stepping in like this?"

Devon grabbed a tissue for her, sat back down, and put his arm around Ellie's shoulders. "Isn't that what you've done, though? You're practically co-parenting with her. And she said Chuck forgave you. I believe it; I don't think I ever saw anything less than openness and love on his part. You have to forgive yourself, too."

Ellie knew Devon meant well, she just couldn't see how this could work. She removed herself from his half-hug and stood up.

"People are allowed to move on after the deaths of loved ones, Ellie. It doesn't mean she never loved him and it doesn't mean you're glad he's gone. You could be happy together if you try."

Ellie needed to change the subject. "And you, Devon, are you happy now? How are you and Marisol doing?"

At this Devon beamed and stood up. "We're great. I was going to talk about this with you after the trip but since we're talking now, I've asked her to move in with me. I love her. Clara loves her. It feels right."

"That's so great, Devon," she said, giving him a hug. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks. Well, I should go grab the kids. We should've left an hour ago. So Sunday evening around 6, okay? I'll drop Clara and Lisa off at your house, Sarah can get Lisa from there, just like we planned." Devon started toward the back door, then stopped and turned around. "You'll think about what I said, right?"

Ellie ignored the last part and said, "Thanks, Devon."

"For what?"

"For being you. I'll see you on Sunday." She gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek. Then Ellie went into the backyard to say goodbye to the girls.


	11. Chapter 11

A/U: An M rated chapter. It includes the much alluded to love scene between Sarah and Ellie from their one night together, which I think was important to include to show why it was so meaningful to the two of them even if only one of them let it turn into love. Writing it in Sarah's pov made describing Ellie's emotional state challenging but hopefully it works.

Guest question: someone asked about the girls' ages. I purposely kept this vague because I didn't want to get bogged down in timeline math but in my head they're around 11.5 (Clara) and nearly 8 (Lisa), give or take.

Enjoy!***

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Sarah felt horrible after she left Devon's. Ellie just wanted to be friends and she was screwing it up. And yet the kiss… it told her Ellie wasn't as over her as she'd claimed.

That night, the house was very quiet without Lisa. Sarah ambled around, picked up clutter, ate a light dinner, and gave up on finding something on TV, like she usually did when she was alone. She glanced at the clock and hoped the girls were having fun with Devon, then went up to her room to get ready for bed. Sarah thought back to the weeks prior to finding Chuck's note. The Santa Barbara trip had been for Lisa, to show her that Chuck would always be with them. And opening Chuck's box was one more step in saying goodbye to the love of her life. That sense of closure became complicated with the new set of recovered memories. But remembering those events gave her a different perspective on her feelings for Ellie.

The thing with Ellie back in the day had been intensely physical, a sudden attraction beginning before her relationship with Chuck. For her it was strong enough to keep that thumb drive, strong enough to ignore Ellie's marriage at her place and the hotel room. Alluring hints of 'what could be' tugged at her heart but they weren't enough; it was something that needed to end. Ellie used that sordid past against her several weeks ago, minimized Sarah's current feelings, and refused to give them validity. Sarah's resulting confusion led her to nearly agree with Ellie's take. Today's kiss wiped away that confusion. Now she was ready to admit that over the last year she'd fallen for Ellie, fallen for her when she had no clue about their past, when all she saw was someone she'd grown close to, someone who now meant the world to her. And the thought that these feelings would be unrequited was devastating. _But Ellie kissed me back, she feels something_. She would see Ellie on Sunday, perhaps she could convince her they should talk about what was really going on. Sarah tried to clear her mind to get some rest. Sleep eventually came but so did a very intense dream.

 _Sarah turned around and surrendered to Ellie's kisses, knowing Ellie could taste her tears, the tears that fell over Chuck's rejection and her guilt over seducing Ellie, and Sarah didn't care. Ellie had said things that drew her out of her anger, drew out the real her, made her want to kiss Ellie and show her how thankful she was to have her here tonight._

 _Ellie slowed her kisses and gently broke away. She used her hands to wipe down Sarah's cheeks and whispered to her, "Shhh, it's okay. I know it hurts. You'll figure it out. Either with him or without him. You deserve to be happy, Sarah. You deserve so much love." They kissed again, unhurried, their naked bodies tangled up together, Ellie's affectionate whispers and soft lips drowning out all the noise of her life, until Sarah could feel the need tighten inside her. This time Sarah felt unsure; the carnality of earlier was gone. She'd been cold, angry, had tried to maintain a distance. But it wasn't like that now. Now, there was quiet. Now, there was tenderness. Ellie gently pushed her onto her back, trailing kisses down her neck and chest._

 _In between kisses on Sarah's left breast, Ellie whispered, "So beautiful… so soft." Ellie bit down hard on Sarah's nipple and Sarah's hands immediately gripped her head, pulling her in closer to her breast. Ellie slipped her left hand down between Sarah's legs and Sarah bucked against her hand, trying to increase the pressure, but Ellie whispered 'not yet' and slowly traced a finger back up to her navel. Sarah was not normally shy in bed but Ellie's touch and gaze made her nervous._

" _This was your first time with a woman, wasn't it?" Ellie asked, nibbling again on her breasts._

" _Yes," she answered truthfully, thinking back to those female marks. Like any well-run seduction assignment, it never had to go farther than second base, though with one she had wanted more. The rest of her sexual experiences had been with men. Except that time on the couch with Ellie. She pulled Ellie up into a kiss then asked, "Was I okay?"_

 _Ellie smiled. "Yeah, more than okay."_

 _Sarah responded by trying to push Ellie onto her back but Ellie surprised her by grabbing her hands and raising them over her head, then straddling her. Sarah could've broken the hold but she liked the uncertainty of where Ellie would take this. She did lean up and nibble on Ellie's breasts, enjoying Ellie's surprised gasp, before laying her head back down on her pillow with a satisfied smile. It was playful, a comfort level they'd reached quickly. Sarah figured it was like that because they knew each other._

 _Ellie smiled seductively but the smile faltered and even in the darkness Sarah could see Ellie's vulnerability. She let go of Sarah's hands and leaned forward. "You have no idea how much I've wanted this, Sarah. How amazing you are." Ellie leaned in the rest of the way, sucking and kissing her neck._

 _Sarah closed her eyes, feeling a pang, even as she felt the arousal grow in her body from Ellie's kisses. She didn't feel amazing. She was a liar, a killer, but Ellie didn't know those things. Ellie saw only a wounded woman; she knew she still loved Chuck and was still in her bed. Ellie desired her, she said as much, and Sarah's need for a distraction was coupled with a real attraction to Ellie. But that didn't make Ellie any less married. She opened her eyes and placed her hands on Ellie's torso, pushing up into a sitting position, and noticing some of the marks she'd made earlier. Sarah wanted to apologize but Ellie put a finger against her lips and shook her head._

 _Brushing Sarah's hair back, Ellie kissed her on the cheek, nibbled along her jawline, and said, "Forget everything else, okay? It's just us. I see you, you see me." Then she softly kissed her on the lips, the kiss deepening until Sarah broke away to kiss down her neck, letting her hands explore around Ellie's legs, her back, her shoulders._

 _Sarah made note of how Ellie's hair smelled, with her fingers she memorized the curve of her back, and enjoyed how Ellie rolled into her whenever she bit down on her shoulder. Ellie seemed to love when she did that so she did it often. This didn't feel like sex-to-forget anymore or using Ellie to punish Chuck. Sarah thought Ellie had held nothing back earlier tonight but she realized she was wrong. Ellie unquestioningly gave her the kind of sex Sarah's earlier anger demanded; it was powerful and passionate but Ellie held back her emotions. The talking right now made this more intimate, made this about them. Ellie was now showing Sarah the kind of connection she wanted, using this foreplay to bring them closer._ _Sarah still felt her heartbreak but she felt something else stir inside her. This wasn't supposed to mean anything. She couldn't let it mean anything. Ellie wasn't hers, just as Chuck wasn't hers. Sarah pushed those thoughts aside and tried to focus on sensation, to bring back the distance, but Ellie's words got to her. The tenderness remained. Sarah rolled them over so that she was on top, repositioning so that she was straddling Ellie. She was trying to reassert her control and she shouldn't have said anything more but curiosity got the better of her._

" _What do you see?" Sarah expected some of the lines she'd heard before about 'tough outside, mushy inside' as she grabbed Ellie's hands to plant them over her head and leaned in to suckle on her neck, then let go to move down and bite on her breasts. Ellie whimpered in pleasure before answering between gasps._

" _There's anger and heartbreak, obviously, but there's more; you're trying to harden yourself but you can't because the change is inside you…"_

 _Sarah pushed herself back until she was upright. This was too much. She felt exposed and almost got off Ellie but Ellie sat up and wrapped her arms around Sarah's lower back, holding her close, and looking into her eyes._

" _Don't do that," Ellie said, then bent her head to Sarah's neck, sucking hard until Sarah was writhing in pain and pleasure._

" _Don't do what?" Sarah gasped._

" _Close yourself off. Just… be here with me." Before Sarah could respond, Ellie pulled her into another kiss. Sarah barely even noticed that Ellie had flipped them again, with Sarah on her back._

 _Ellie whispered in her ear, "Sarah… this could be so much more. Just tonight, let me in."_

 _She moved one hand over one of Sarah's breasts, gently rolling her nipple between her fingers. "You don't have to hold back with me. Let me be here for you. Let me show you."_

 _She kissed Sarah deeply and Sarah could feel how much Ellie wanted this, how much she needed this. Sarah vaguely recognized it as a warning sign but she wanted this too much to stop. She resolved to give in to this moment with Ellie. Whatever Ellie needed from her tonight, she would try to give it to her. When Ellie pulled away, Sarah found that she was breathing heavily, panting. Ellie licked and kissed her way down, spreading her legs. Sarah brought her hands up to her face, feeling dizzy by everything Ellie was making her feel. She looked down at Ellie, who was waiting, and Sarah nodded. Sarah felt one broad lick, which made her jump, then felt a finger enter her, then another but Ellie's fingers stayed relatively still. Sarah clenched around them trying to urge Ellie on but Ellie still went slow._

" _I might never see you again. I want to remember how you feel, how you taste, and I want you to remember." Ellie's hot breath against her while she spoke sent Sarah's body buzzing. She wondered how her body could respond so strongly to just words. It had never been like this before._

 _Ellie started moving her fingers in and out, sliding them easily. It was sweet torture and when Ellie removed her fingers, Sarah begged, "Please…" She wanted more. Ellie proceeded to lick and suck her inner thigh, trailing kisses ever closer to where Sarah needed her. Finally Sarah felt Ellie's mouth on her center, felt Ellie alternate between using her lips and tongue, one hand holding onto Sarah's left thigh, the other reaching up to grab Sarah's right hand and hold it tightly against the bed._

 _Sarah's left hand moved to the back of Ellie's head and caressed her in time to the slow rhythm Ellie set. "Mmmm… Ellie, you feel so good." At this Ellie increased her speed, Sarah's reward for verbalizing her pleasure. Her whimpers turned into loud gasps and she let go of Ellie's hair, clutching the sheet, her other hand still squeezing Ellie's hand. Much sooner than she expected, Sarah felt her body burst into tiny explosions of pleasure, the sheer quantity of them making her cry out incoherently._

 _Ellie kissed her way back up to Sarah and straddled Sarah's right leg while caressing Sarah's face, pressing light kisses on her cheeks and chin. Still gasping, Sarah felt overwhelmed, and a sob slipped out before she could stop it. For a brief second, she thought she might start crying but Ellie seemed to understand and began kissing her. It was languid, comforting, and despite their exhaustion quickly became more demanding. Sarah began gently raking her fingernails over Ellie's back and she noted how Ellie was rubbing over her right thigh. She brought her right hand up to Ellie's mouth and Ellie responded by licking Sarah's fingers, knowing exactly what she planned to do. Sarah moved her hand down between Ellie's legs. Ellie slowly pumped against her fingers and leg, their foreheads pressed together, brief kisses interrupted by Ellie's moans._

" _Are you here with me, Sarah?"_

" _Yes," Sarah answered in the faintest whisper._

" _Sarah, Sarah…" Ellie began calling out in rhythm to Sarah's fingers._

 _Sarah felt Ellie's right hand over her breast and wanted more. Locking eyes with Ellie, she grabbed Ellie's hand and dragged it down between her legs. It would be their first time trying to come together._

 _Ellie nodded and kissed her hard, more desperate than their previous kisses had been. Ellie added more pressure to her center, backing up her hand with her right thigh and Sarah nearly pulled her own hand away from Ellie as the pleasure blocked all thinking. Sarah's moans and cries became joined with those of Ellie's, her free hand gripping Ellie's shoulder, her head was thrown to the side, eyes closed, and she was thrusting against Ellie's hand and leg uncontrollably, using every bit of focus she had left to keep her own hand where Ellie needed her. She wanted to stay in the moment with Ellie but she suddenly became afraid of this connection, afraid of losing herself and not being able to go back. Ellie pressed harsh kisses on her neck, panting against her._

" _Tell me you want me. Say it… please."_

" _I…" Words were hard to form. She looked up at Ellie who had tears in her eyes, still pleading for Sarah's words, ever closer to her own release but holding back. Sarah could feel that something deeper was forming between them and had to remind herself it couldn't be more than tonight. Sarah closed her eyes. But she could have this right now, just this once. She could feel like a human being, feel connected to someone real, someone who wanted her. Nothing else mattered. She suddenly felt her orgasm approach and she let go, crying out, "I do… Ellie… Ellie…"_

 _Sarah's words turned into a tuneless humming as the waves of heat and pleasure washed over her. She felt Ellie's body tense and heard Ellie cry out her name. Still in the after waves of her orgasm, she leaned up and kissed Ellie, could feel Ellie's trembling. Their kisses mixed with heavy gasps for air, wanting to maintain their connection even as they needed to catch their breaths. Ellie buried her face in Sarah's neck, bringing her arms up under Sarah's arms and clutching her back. Sarah heard her whisper words but couldn't understand. She could feel the tears, though, and she brought both hands to Ellie's back and held her tightly as Ellie sobbed quietly into her body._

Sarah woke up with a start, sweating. She looked at the clock. 2am. This was not a new memory; she had remembered that whole night already, including this part, after their initial talk during the Saturday tea party but it made been more like a flash, she hadn't dwelled on all of the particulars. This dream was very vivid, like it had just happened, and Sarah noticed every detail. She took a moment to make sure all of it had been memory and not manipulated by her dream self. Sarah hadn't been wrong; Ellie did make love to her. She'd previously thought the crying at the end was because Ellie felt guilty but now she realized Ellie's feelings for her had been deeper even then, maybe even when it had started. That unintelligible whisper, Ellie's recent admission of what she'd really said, the reminder of how she had missed and ignored the signs of Ellie's growing feelings, how Ellie had kissed her after she'd gotten dressed to leave, Sarah felt guilt for all of it. But Sarah also woke from that dream with a sense of elation. The memory of Ellie's past love lingered all over her. Back then she'd been afraid to know what it meant for Ellie but she embraced it now. The kiss at Devon's gave her hope they could start fresh, start something real. Sarah had to know if Ellie truly felt nothing and at the very least she needed to make the strength of her own feelings clear to Ellie. She wouldn't be able to move on otherwise.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Here we are at the end. This is kind of a longish chapter compared to the others but I couldn't find a natural split in the middle I was happy with and since this is the last chapter anyway, here we are. ***

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Ellie couldn't sleep. She'd tossed and turned in bed for hours, it was practically 3am, but her mind was going a mile a minute thinking about Sarah and the kiss. She hadn't seen it coming; the kiss itself and how that kind of contact with Sarah could still blow her away. She cursed herself for not having a plan in place for this. She was a fool to think they were gone forever. _Sarah's memories or my feelings?_ Ellie sat up in bed, wondering how she didn't realize this sooner. She still loved Sarah but now her love was built on a close friendship. It had been survival mode after Chuck died, but eventually they got to really know each other. The glimpses she'd had before were nothing compared to their friendship now and it wasn't one-sided either. Although the relationship with Laura hadn't lasted long, it still hurt Ellie when Laura broke things off. Without asking, Sarah arranged for the girls to sleep over at Ellie's mom's house, and Sarah came over to listen and laugh into the wee hours. After that, Sarah would frequently think of things to do together, like outings for them and the girls, trying out new restaurants, or sending random just-because texts. It never felt forced or out of obligation. And Ellie had been in denial about how she felt about it all this time. That kiss today, it was like a light switched on. Her love was there, stronger and more solid than it had ever been. If Sarah's feelings turned out to not be real, the heartbreak would be unbearable. Ellie thought again about what Devon had said. If he was right and Sarah's feelings started before this… She heard a dog barking in front of her house. It was probably Mrs. Martin on her nightly walk with Callie. Ellie went to the window, pulling back the curtain. She saw Sarah's car parked across the street and Sarah sitting in the driver's seat, looking up at her. Ellie's pulse quickened and without thinking she pressed her right hand against the window.

Sarah didn't really know what to expect when she drove over to Ellie's house. Chasing after someone was not something she was used to. Not in a romantic sense, anyway. Her past difficulty with facing her emotions meant she was usually on the receiving end of those attentions. But this time was different. There was the Sarah before Chuck, the one who would run from this, and the Sarah after Chuck, the one who'd experienced how much fuller life can be with love in it. When she rushed through getting dressed and driving here, she was comfortable. It was decisive, active over passive. And how many times had Chuck talked about how Bartowskis go big when it came to this sort of thing? But the reality was not as romantic as she'd envisioned. Was waking Ellie up to talk at 3am really a good idea? Looking around the quiet street with the well-manicured lawns and family cars in the driveways, she felt like an outsider, a disruption. Memories of late-night stakeouts briefly came to her. Sarah didn't do that anymore, aside from training employees for her work as a security consultant. She looked at Ellie's house and thought of Ellie sleeping inside. What would Ellie think if she knew Sarah was parked on her street, watching the house like some lovesick teenager? _This was a mistake_ , she thought, and moved to start the car's engine. She was startled by one of Ellie's neighbors walking her dog, which barked at her. The woman smiled at her as she walked by along the sidewalk, recognizing her. Sarah smiled reassuringly and was back to starting the car when out of the corner of her eye she saw movement in Ellie's bedroom window. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Ellie look down at her.

With her hand on the windowpane, Ellie felt paralyzed. Even with the distance between them she could see that Sarah was breathing heavily, eyes locked on hers, waiting. Wanting. There was no conflict now between them, no romantic entanglements holding them back. Desire surged through her body but she was unsure. She tried to tell herself whatever Sarah was feeling was temporary but the passion she was feeling right now began to hope otherwise. _Can this be real?_ She stared back down at Sarah, searching for the courage to take the next step.

Taking several slow breaths, Sarah tried to calm her arousal. Seeing Ellie in a lavender tank top with obvious lust in her eyes wasn't helping. _Does her neck taste the same?_ She came to talk, to convince Ellie her feelings were real, and now that she saw how Ellie was looking at her, she knew today's kiss wasn't a fluke. The spark between them was palpable. _Ellie feels something_. But Ellie wasn't calling her in so Ellie still had doubts. Then she saw Ellie step away from the window, letting the curtain fall. Sarah waited for a couple of minutes then five minutes more but there was nothing. Another rejection? _I'll talk to her on Sunday_ , Sarah thought to herself dejectedly. She started the car but left it in park, staring again at Ellie's window, debating whether to go knock on her door anyway. Then she heard the text alert on her phone. She took out her phone and read the message: _Come inside_.

Sarah smiled and felt the warmth inside her heart grow. She turned off the engine, grabbed her bag, and got out of the car. She forced herself to calmly walk across the street and up the walkway to Ellie's front door. Using the spare key she kept on her key ring to unlock the door, Sarah was nervous as she opened and closed the door behind her. She didn't see Ellie so she put her bag down and took off her sweater. Walking through the entryway and moving toward the stairs, Sarah looked up, her heart pounding. Ellie stood at the top, tying the knot on her robe. Ellie looked uncertain but then started down the steps. Sarah began walking up but Ellie stopped.

"Sarah…" Ellie licked her lips. "We should talk." Ellie walked down the steps until she was just a couple of steps above Sarah.

Sarah heard the inflection on the word 'talk'. Ellie was going to say 'talk _first_ ' and the thought of what would come second made Sarah want to take Ellie right there on the stairway. Sarah gripped the bannister with her left hand, trying not to glance up towards Ellie's bedroom but just thinking about the bedroom made her do it anyway. She forced herself to look down. "I know. That's why I came."

"At 3am?" Despite her nervousness, Ellie couldn't resist teasing Sarah.

"I couldn't sleep," Sarah offered in a weak excuse. "I needed to talk to you." The arched eyebrow on Ellie's face embarrassed Sarah.

"At 3am," Ellie repeated, openly smiling now, stepping down to where she was on the same step as Sarah, her back against the wall, seeming to dare Sarah to do just what she had been thinking about doing. "I see you finally decided to use the spare key I keep telling you to use instead of waiting at the door like a stranger. How long were you parked out there?"

"Not long. What were you doing after you left the window? That's a long time to type 'come inside'." Sarah still felt affected by Ellie's nearness but wanted to let Ellie know that teasing goes both ways.

Ellie laughed lightly. "Oh, you know how it is when a beautiful woman comes to your house in the middle of the night, just the usual freak out." _Running up and down the stairs, typing and erasing various text messages, debating throwing on actual clothes… is my hair okay? How can she look this good at 3 in the morning?_ Ellie's mind was rambling and she pressed her hands against the wall to center herself.

Sarah noted the physical signs of Ellie's desire bubbling underneath her smile but she also seemed wary. There was an opening here for Sarah to use their physical connection to convince Ellie they could be together, the way she'd gotten Ellie to respond by kissing her earlier, but Sarah didn't want them to start off this way. They really did need to talk.

"I'm sorry for coming over so late. I could come back later if you prefer?"

"I was awake anyway," admitted Ellie. "Let's go to the kitchen, I'll make tea."

They didn't exchange a word as Ellie heated the water and set the mugs out with the tea bags. The time was filled with nervous glances and tentative smiles. Sarah looked around, at this house Ellie and Devon had moved into after coming back from Chicago, the house Ellie stayed in because Clara had needed some kind of stability. Ellie had not only gone through a divorce but also endured losing her brother and came out strong and independent on the other side. The recently remembered past made Sarah confront her feelings and desires but she realized her expectations had been unrealistic. In fact, she'd been incredibly selfish and not just these last weeks. Her actions back in the day had left Ellie to do the heavy lifting in stopping them from plunging into a disastrous affair. Ellie had put her brother's and Sarah's needs above her own. And now that Sarah wanted something more, she had expected Ellie to be willing after more than a decade of change and growth. Perhaps the better thing to do tonight would be to tell Ellie that she would work harder at preserving their friendship instead of push for a romance Ellie didn't want.

After the water was ready, they took their mugs to the couch in the family area that shared the large space with the kitchen. They set their mugs on the coffee table to steep. Sarah was about to speak but Ellie started first.

"Sarah, I think you can put away the 'noble sacrifice' hat."

Sarah was stunned but then laughed. Of course Ellie had seen right through her.

"So you're the only one who gets to have points in the noble sacrifice charts, huh? Hardly fair," Sarah joked. "All right. So what happens now?"

Ellie stared at her tea mug and thought carefully. "While I appreciate the gesture, I've come around to the idea that we shouldn't brush this under the rug and pretend it's not happening. I'm ready to listen, like I should've done when I made that surprise visit to your house, instead of saying the things I said which hurt you."

"No, you told the truth. I was careless with you back then, and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for the way I've been behaving lately," Sarah said, feeling ashamed. Instead of displaying acceptance and maturity at Ellie's rejection, she ran.

Ellie reached for her mug took a sip of her tea. "Well, what I said was only partly true," she said, thinking about the lie she told about not feeling anything.

"The kiss," Sarah said gently.

"Yeah…" Ellie replied, bringing her tea up in front of her mouth to feel the heat of the mug and distract her from looking at Sarah's lips. "I had a conversation with Devon today after you left. He said some things that made me realize I was closing myself off to… what you were trying to share with me."

"Wait, you told Devon?! How did he take it? Are you okay?"

"He was Captain Awesome," Ellie answered with a smile, using the nickname she hadn't been able to use since Chuck passed. "It turns out he had suspicions about us from way back; not from anything you did, but from the way I'd acted around you. He also pointed out to me how he'd noticed the way you'd been looking at me this past year." At this point Ellie studied Sarah's face, noticing her shock mixed with relief.

Looking down, Ellie continued, "Is that true, what he said about you?"

Sarah felt a blush and nodded. "We'd been spending so much time together, growing so close, it… just happened," Sarah replied. She made a mental note to thank Devon for helping Ellie rather than punishing her.

Until this moment, Ellie had been able to hold it together. But here it was, Sarah again revealing how she felt. And she was afraid; afraid of opening this door and finding out they wouldn't be able to step through together.

"Sarah, are you sure about this? Because I don't know if I am, I don't know if this is a good idea at all."

Sarah's heart leapt. Ellie's words implied that a rejection wasn't a foregone conclusion. Sarah looked at her hands, trying to figure out how to start, how to explain.

"I know you feel something, Sarah. Our problem has never been with physical attraction. But after all this time… I mean, don't you like our friendship the way it is? We were never close like this before. Isn't it enough?"

Sarah settled back against the couch, honestly considering the question. Their friendship meant so much to her. But they could be more. She wanted more. And although Ellie sounded as if she wanted Sarah to settle for what they already had, she could see Ellie wanted more, too.

"Don't you want love, Ellie?"

"Is that what this is?" Ellie stood up and walked toward the window and looked out into the dark backyard, remembering how hard it had been for her, of loving Sarah so fiercely and not being loved in return. "I've gotten so many things wrong, Sarah. I'm scared of getting this wrong, too."

Ellie looked back at Sarah, heart pounding. "I never did anything with the intention of this happening, you know that, right? Not when I divorced, not after Chuck died. I wasn't sitting around waiting. As far as I was concerned, it was over. And now… obviously I'm feeling it. It's just so confusing. What you're feeling right now confuses me. I thought I got over you and now I discover…"

"You love me," Sarah said breathlessly. She stood up and went over to Ellie, taking her hands. Sarah wanted to kiss Ellie in this moment but she held back, afraid to push too quickly.

Ellie felt the tears come and pulled her hands away from Sarah.

"Sarah, you don't know how hard those first years were. But I eventually found peace. Our friendship, it means everything to me now. And then when you kissed me today, it was like all the years and walls I'd put up fell away; it was amazing and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. But things are different now. I have to think about Clara. I can't let myself jump into something that could end within weeks, potentially ruining two friendships. How can I trust this?"

"I know you're afraid, but…"

"Aren't you? What if these feelings aren't real? What if we're just letting nostalgia affect us? We jump into bed and you get this out of your system and where does that leave me?" Ellie felt frantic, barely holding on by a thread. _What if I lose you?_

"Look, you were right, I did use you before. But it's not the memories that are making me feel this way. After he died, I wanted to die, too. Those first six months were a black hole and you pulled me out of it. We pulled each other out." Sarah reached out for Ellie's hands again and this time Ellie squeezed tightly.

"Somewhere along the way my feelings for you changed but I didn't know how to act on it. I felt weird and guilty over Chuck's memory… having feelings for his sister. I missed him and I didn't know if I was ready to move on. It also didn't seem possible that you could ever feel the same way about me and I tried to get over it but I couldn't stop thinking about you. Don't you see, Ellie? I started feeling this way on my own, without knowing about before. The only thing these memories have made me feel is brave, brave enough to admit to you how I feel."

Ellie pressed her forehead against Sarah's and whispered, "For you, this feels new. But for me, it's never left me. What if it's just too much water under the bridge? I feel so much guilt, Sarah. After everything I've done to hurt Devon and Chuck, I don't deserve this. I'm taking advantage. This wouldn't be happening if he were here."

Sarah pulled her into a hug. She understood what Ellie was trying to say. Ellie's feelings for Sarah have been associated with guilt and shame for all these years and she might never be able to separate them. Sarah didn't have an easy answer for this. But she did know that dwelling on the hypothetical situation of where they would be if Chuck were still alive would not be healthy for either of them. Ellie had to let the 'what if' go, just as she learned to do.

"I will always love him. I know you know that. And I'm not an expert on how widows move on to other romantic relationships or how their new partners handle it but those relationships happen, right? I can't promise being together will be easy but we just have to keep talking and be honest with each other."

Sarah pulled out of the hug to look at Ellie. She could see how badly Ellie wanted to give in. Tears were falling down Ellie's cheek and Sarah brushed them away, feeling her own tears fall.

"I know I hurt you, Ellie. We both know what happened before was a mistake and that we'd probably make different choices if we could go back. But we can't let those regrets and that past stop us from moving forward now, from recognizing what's grown between us over the last year. I know you feel it, too." Sarah put a hand on Ellie's cheek and waited for Ellie to look her in the eyes. When she did, Sarah was overcome with emotion.

"I never thought I could feel like this again, Ellie. I've fallen in love with you. I have. You're smart, funny, you're so many wonderful things, and when I'm with you I don't want to be anywhere else."

"I'm just so scared." Ellie barely got those words out in a whisper. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It was everything she wanted and was too good to be true. _She loves me?_

"I am, too. But we could be happy. And you do deserve happiness, Ellie. Please. Please let me love you." This time Sarah couldn't resist pressing a light kiss on Ellie's cheek, her hands moving onto Ellie's shoulders, and then Sarah pulled back to look at Ellie, eyes begging her to give them a chance.

Ellie looked into Sarah's eyes and raised a hand to brush back a bit of Sarah's hair, amazed at Sarah's words and the longing on her face. This was real. Sarah wanted to be with her. And Ellie wanted to be with Sarah. She leaned in and felt Sarah's lips, soft and tender against hers.

They tasted each other's tears, kissing and touching and laughing, sometimes just hugging each other tightly. It was joyful and sad, reunion mixed with discovery. After a while, Sarah was ready for more but she could feel Ellie's hesitance at escalating. She grabbed one of Ellie's hands and pressed it against her breast; still over her shirt but Ellie got the message. Their kisses deepened until they were moving on instinct, both so hungry for each other. Ellie walked Sarah backwards towards the couch, somehow avoiding the coffee table, and Sarah fell into a sitting position with Ellie straddling her. Sarah undid the knot on Ellie's robe and pushed it off her, kissing and biting Ellie's neck and pushing aside her tank top straps. _The same, she tastes the same_. Sarah suppressed her nervousness, it had been a while for her, but she wanted this.

"Sarah..." Ellie gasped as she felt Sarah bite her shoulder. She'd forgotten how much that move affected her and she was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Sarah remembered what she liked, Sarah loved her, and Sarah wanted Ellie's love. Unable to stop herself, she began crying again.

Sarah pulled back, looking concerned. "Did I do something wrong?" _Did she change her mind?_

"No, I just… Can we… take this slow?" Ellie asked, staring into Sarah's darkened eyes. "I just need time to ease into this."

Ellie wiped her eyes and bit her lip nervously, waiting for Sarah's answer. Sarah kissed her lips softly then gave her a hug.

"We can wait for as long as you want," Sarah said with an encouraging smile and Ellie moved off Sarah to sit next to her. If waiting proved she was serious then that's what Sarah would do.

"Thank you," Ellie said, relieved. She picked up her robe and they both stood up, Ellie putting her arms in the robe's sleeves.

"Can I tell you something I've never told you?" Sarah grabbed the ties on Ellie's robe and tied the knot. "You are an amazing lover. It'll be worth the wait."

Sarah liked seeing Ellie's embarrassed blush. She could also tell the compliment flattered her.

"So, is tonight too soon to start?"

"What? Now?" Ellie was confused. Didn't they just agree to wait? Then she could see the smile in Sarah's eyes and she chuckled. It was going to take her a while to get used to the flirting.

"Well, it's technically Saturday morning right now… are you free tonight for dinner? A first date? The girls will still be camping and it'd be a shame as working moms to not take advantage of alone time. Dinner at my place?"

"I think dinner sounds great," Ellie answered warmly. She looked down at their mugs of tea. "Did you still want your tea?"

"No, I think I should go. Have a hot date tonight." Sarah winked at Ellie. For the first time in weeks, Sarah felt hopeful and confident. She didn't know if they would make it work or for how long but Ellie was willing to try and that was enough for now.

"What about the girls? How do you think they'll take it?" asked Ellie.

"Clara knows you date, she'll probably adjust quickly and she'll help Lisa get there. Lisa… well, she'll have a hard time since I haven't been with anyone since Chuck and you're her aunt… so yeah, she'll think it's weird at first. We'll help her understand." Sarah knew she was probably being a little overly optimistic about Lisa's reaction. _One bridge at a time_ , she thought.

Sarah followed Ellie to the front door, grabbing her purse and sweater.

"I'll see you later," Ellie said, reaching for the door handle.

Sarah turned to Ellie and smiled. "Yeah," she replied. She leaned forward to kiss Ellie and was happy Ellie didn't pull away. The kiss was slow, sensual, and she felt the flame of desire reignite. Sarah broke the kiss first but kept their faces close.

"I don't want tonight to end," whispered Ellie, "I still can't believe this is happening."

"I know. Me neither," said Sarah, closing her eyes, feeling the pull to Ellie, this time enjoying its grasp. In her mind's eye she saw how incredible making love with Ellie was going to be.

"I said I would wait and I will," Sarah whispered, "But I want you to know that when this happens, I won't hold anything back." She smiled slyly, knowing the effect her words had on Ellie. But she wasn't trying to tease. Sarah wanted Ellie to know how much she wanted her, how different this was going to be.

Ellie felt Sarah's words like a jolt of electricity in her spine. _Is one date enough of a wait?_ Seeing Sarah's smile, Ellie felt emboldened. Ellie gently caressed the palm of Sarah's right hand and brought it up to her lips. Then in a desire-filled gaze, she looked into Sarah's eyes until she could see the color growing on Sarah's cheeks. Finally, Ellie replied, "I won't either."

A gasp caught in Sarah's throat, the heat caused by Ellie's words making it hard not to pull Ellie into another kiss. The implication was clear: Ellie had more to show her. Her nervousness returned but she trusted Ellie. She trusted them. Sarah smiled, opened the door, and walked out. The air was cool but comfortable and it was definitely needed to calm the sexual energy between them.

"Hey," Ellie called out. Sarah hadn't reached the street yet and turned around, tilting her head. Ellie wasn't ready to say the words, even though it was how she felt. One day, maybe soon, when she could get past these fears, when she could see further out into the future of what they could be. For now, Ellie put her left hand over her heart, hoping Sarah would understand.

Sarah's heart swelled. She heard it, she felt it; she felt how she'd just been entrusted with something special, something only for her. She smiled and did the same with her hand, holding it for several beats in a wordless exchange of love and promise. Then Sarah turned around and walked toward her car, calling back, "Dinner's at 6."

* * *

A/N: I tried to write a hopeful ending rather than give in to my tendency for angst. Ellie understandably has a lot to work through but I think Sarah recognizes that she's had it easy compared to Ellie (in terms of impacts of their affair), so I have a feeling Sarah will stick it out. For those wondering why I didn't bring the kids back, I only brought them in briefly to give a hint of their views on their moms being together, to provide an inkling of what Ellie and Sarah would have to deal with once they revealed their relationship, and I figured those conversations with Devon and their moms could live off-screen in our imaginations. And for those wanting first date fluff, sorry! I'm terrible at fluff.

Thanks again for all the reviews and PMs and to all the readers who stuck it out with me in this story. Cheers.


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